Simon’s Birthday Message

Happy Birthday mate, I hope you have a fantastic day.

From the time you were little and holding the rabbit you were looking after from school to the time we had our first smoke toke together and every day since, I am your sister and I love you.

As a second time around Dad you must be busy. As you are left literally holding the baby. Having done it once I bet you and baby Oscar and doing great. I expect mum is on hand to help and you ought to be getting lots of support. This is my perception of your life as we have not been in contact for a few years I can not be sure.

As always with sibling birthdays it’s a bit of a jolt. I feel bad that I am not seeing you but also very thankful as a I don’t like leaving the house for absolutely anything. Also very aware that you have gone into hermit mode and are probably, hopefully working away at getting close to the music.

I’ve not seen our mutual parents for decades and that a preferable situation for me. However, recently I stopped the police coming around and questioning them regarding sexual assaults on me as a minor in their care and thought I’d tell you. I’m feeling kind of big about it and not sure exactly why.

Why am I still protecting our parents? Perhaps I could kid myself I’m protecting all of my estranged family. Well I’m not, I’m protecting myself from the whole thing still, all these years later. I thought I was brave but perhaps I’m not.  They were supposed to protect me and care for me but they didn’t.

I thought making the statement to the police would help. It did in some ways but it also opened up a can of worms. Big, fat, ugly, worms that have no where to go other than to dig deep into the human condition swallow what they find and poo it out again.

Why shouldn’t I want them punished and embarrassed at the very least? Do you know why? The answer is bizarrely simple. I needed to tell the truth for me, just for me.

Because I am actually a better person. I’m a better person for not knowing them anymore. I am a better person because I recognise that causing them pain and suffering will not make my pain and suffering go away. I am a better person because I don’t sit here judging them as they do me.

However, I am strong enough to be happy in my life, I will continue to do things which bring about this happiness for me. For no other reason other than it makes me happy. You gave me some help on the guitar when we last met. I think of it often, every time I play Four Non Blondes. You helped me immensely. I wonder if I ever helped you?

As I think about my siblings, some of which I’ve never met, I wonder why people go on about disjointed family life being a modern thing – I’m fifty and my family is completely disjointed and has been all my life.

Family life is an illusion at best and if most people are honest they all have members of their family that are the ‘black sheep’ the ‘bad penny’ and so on.

Family is who you choose to be loyal to. Sometimes that loyalty means you can’t see others very often as your loyalty will be held in question. I will always be loyal to you Bro and you know I am here.

Have a great birthday Simon, I’m thinking of you.

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