Hertfordshire skyline with aeroplane traces forming kisses

Meshed, Mad and Horny.

Fancy Someone and Disabled with Mesh? Me Too.

I have a smile on my face. I feel younger. I’m pretty sure it’s because I found I want to be close to someone. We’ll meet again soon and there will be no doubts, no strained small talk because I bit the bullet and straight up told him, I couldn’t get him off my mind.

It was a huge risk. I don’t like rejection, but he’d gone out of his way, just for me, so I had an idea I was putting feelings in the right place. Now, however I’m thinking that telling him was the easy bit. I’m thinking should I actually consider involving someone one in my misery.

Fantasy, of course, is one thing and reality another. When you embark on a new sexual relationship the ideal would be to do so in wild abandonment, to throw caution to the wind and let our bodies take us where they will. But already, I am worrying…

Several conflictions now in my mind. The least of which is the TVT mesh medical device implant. The mesh was put into me before the medical establishment really understood the female anatomy (2005) and sensations are hit and miss. This is hard to describe to doctors who just don’t understand female orgasm or its role. For instance, I told my gynae I had lost feeling in my rosebud and he said,

“Oh no, it’s fine. It all looks very pretty down there.”

There isn’t much you can really say to that is there? This is like only having a cheese knife for soup. You may decide you are not hungry after all. After many hospital appointments and different treatments, I’m now waiting a removal specialist although I am not on any list as a list doesn’t exist.

The manifestation of the mesh’s impact itself in my life is more than annoying and usually very painful. Imagine, if you could, having a piece of serrated tape threaded through your genitals to your spine and then back again. That is what the surgeons did to my poor fan.

There are days when I cannot think of anything else other than my groin. If I stand up straight, it pulls across my bladder, if I sit down it pulls across the top of my pubic bone. As I walk it, I feel it most, it moves in sawing motion through my insides and squeezes my bladder painfully.

The movement happens without me thinking about anything arousing so imagine that going on down there when sexy thoughts start. It’s tormenting. My brain is now on the desperate longing stage. I’m longing to smell him and touch the skin beneath his clothes. I want to lie in the smelly warmth of our mutual want and kiss every millimetre of his manly frame. I’d like to worship his essence…

So now I’m tending to shift around quite a bit in my seat, moving my weight from one side to another. I do this in an attempt to take the sensation away, just to give me a break from it. If it were a penis, I suspect it could be like having the life sucked out of you by someone with sharp teeth when you are also desperate for a pee. It may be nice at first but claws after a while and quickly becomes unbearable.

Whilst I am desperate to jump on my new adventure and ride to wonderland, I am also very aware that medically I’m not allowed to ride a bicycle let alone a man. Previously I’ve only been able to achieve unison in missionary position and disengagement was both dicey and painful. This plays on my mind.

Of course, I know, in my grown up, adult world, that I can discuss all this with my prospective lover. I know he will understand and be mindful of me. I do have faith we’ll find a way around my insecurities because intimacy does make me feel great. Life has few free pleasures. I’m determined to enjoy the flesh to flesh experience for what it is, joyful.

I’m determined to be close to another. I need and deserve it. Note to self, not to sound too desperate. I realise that someone permanently by my side, fighting my corner and supporting me is a fantasy, but a kiss and a cuddle isn’t too much to hope for. As a woman I need to feel wanted and needed…I believe men feel this need too. It is a human need and one I cannot live without.

Regardless of the emotional and physical pain I’m looking forward to getting to know my new lover. He has already given me hope and a real feeling of security by just being in my life. Yes, I’m still scared of what the future holds for me but now there is a slither of excitement running through my day and nights. Who wouldn’t want that?

This plastic mesh embedded in me, bleeding its carcinogenic poisons into my body, has taken so much from me I cannot allow it to take passion too. I think about the future scared but now there is something unknown, something enriching for me on my horizon. A man 😉

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