I hear the wind
It reminds me of outside
The outside I can see
But cannot be.
It reminds me of friends
Of times gone past
When I danced, socialized
And had a laugh.
I breathe in deeply
Try to remember the smells.
The greens, the scents, the stares, the charged air
Walking out in tottering shoes to forget my blues
Between trees, hedgerows and lamp posts
Listening to the cacophony
Query that I heard them at the time
Straining I hear them, I do not see them but
It’s not beyond memory in this history of mine.
I watch and check
My envy grows
That now I do not know
Their absence long adjusted to
Looking back, it’s what I would do.
Friends can’t deal with my selfish greed, my need to be ill.
I can suck the air out of a room in a moment with my sharp tongue
Thankful words stop where thought begun.
For this reason, I stay in bed
So, my evilness can’t be spread
Out of my heart and into my throat
One escape one moment and all would be lost
They would see mediocracy, at my cost.
Not the graceful lady portrayed
But the evil woman, betrayed.
Pain and anger blow outside
Bash against my grace
The mirror shows lines
My heart feels the disgrace
I want to shout
Leave me alone, go find someone else
But, immediately feel guilty
Wishing this on someone else isn’t me
There’re no words where I could make people see
The simple truth is that mesh took my life away from me.
I’m listening out for different sounds.
I’ll explain it to you
The intercom will buzz, I’ll get a little excited pain because
My meals on wheels is due.
It will be delivered hot and appreciation I will show.
The meal will sit on the side all day and
Tomorrow into the bin will go.
The wind blows and gusts, howls past my block
Reminding me anew,
“Cheer up, smile, turn up the charm, there’s still some fight in you”
The slicing pain as I move reminds that I must attend
The sting, the pain, the wipe again, twenty or more times a day
Pain on pin movement, on moving legs this or that way.
Tedious as life could be
Breathe in, be calm, ground myself again.
The wind blows and the rain lashes against the pane.
My delusions tell me to “Eat like a bird.”
Wellbeing, they have never heard
What do you do when soul continues to grow?
When you feel wings trying to show?
I look at my dinner, that I managed to plate
There’s still warmth and nutrition
It’s not too late!
I put down my pen, I try again.
I choke on the food.
The tears fall down my face.
Well, that’s ingratitude,
And my hatred starts all over again, not displaced.
I stare out the window, searching for the sun.
Calm myself, ground myself
Breathe in the sounds that are near
Life continues outside, this brings me some cheer.
I force down some mouthfuls, with the aid of weak coffee and a smoke
Deal with my own wind and convince myself, I can cope.
The day suddenly gets better
A call from my daughter
Can she visit? Would I let her?
The smile that you can’t see is wider than the distance between you and me!
My granddaughter with her will come
And a better antidepressant there is none!
So goodbye dear misery, for today
My life just blew a wonderful way.
Ah, discomfort and pain slide insecurity in
Will she be upset that Nanny isn’t better yet?
Oh, delightfully we will play
A new pair of shoes she comes to show me today.
I wait eagerly, the knock the on door
To see her bright eyes, smiling as before
A cuddle and a greeting I will get
They haven’t invented a pill yet
That gives you the happiness of love
It’s paid for in heartache in the family abode
It comes back in spades when you least expect
Overwhelms me, yet,
I’ll never take love for granted
My loss had to be done but
Love given out cannot replace wrong
My disgrace is mine and mine alone.
I wait for the doorbell, I can hear the lift
I wonder if it who I think it is.
Soon I will hear her laughter
Soon I’ll hear her steps
Soon I’ll get a hug from the best granddaughter yet!
How soon the hours do fly past
One, two maybe more, it’s hard to tell
We had a blast
“I’ll miss you loads,” she says
As off to the lift she yells.
My daughter and my eyes do meet
An animated, chatter journey home, her treat.
I press the memory firmly to my heart,
Close the door with blown kisses,
Now, my lonely afternoon starts.
By Samantha unextraordinarybint Harris. Written 27th July 2020 at home in Watford, Herts. UK.