I hear the wind

It reminds me of outside

The outside I can see

But cannot be.

It reminds me of friends

Of times gone past

When I danced, socialized

And had a laugh.

 

I breathe in deeply

Try to remember the smells.

The greens, the scents, the stares, the charged air

Walking out in tottering shoes to forget my blues

Between trees, hedgerows and lamp posts

Listening to the cacophony

Query that I heard them at the time

Straining I hear them, I do not see them but

It’s not beyond memory in this history of mine.

 

I watch and check

My envy grows

Fairweather friends

That now I do not know

Their absence long adjusted to

Looking back, it’s what I would do.

 

Friends can’t deal with my selfish greed, my need to be ill.

I can suck the air out of a room in a moment with my sharp tongue

Thankful words stop where thought begun.

For this reason, I stay in bed

So, my evilness can’t be spread

Out of my heart and into my throat

One escape one moment and all would be lost

They would see mediocracy, at my cost.

Me

Not the graceful lady portrayed

But the evil woman, betrayed.

 

Pain and anger blow outside

Bash against my grace

The mirror shows lines

My heart feels the disgrace

I want to shout

Leave me alone, go find someone else

But, immediately feel guilty

Wishing this on someone else isn’t me

There’re no words where I could make people see

The simple truth is that mesh took my life away from me.

 

I’m listening out for different sounds.

I’ll explain it to you

The intercom will buzz, I’ll get a little excited pain because

My meals on wheels is due.

It will be delivered hot and appreciation I will show.

The meal will sit on the side all day and

Tomorrow into the bin will go.

 

The wind blows and gusts, howls past my block

Reminding me anew,

“Cheer up, smile, turn up the charm, there’s still some fight in you”

The slicing pain as I move reminds that I must attend

The sting, the pain, the wipe again, twenty or more times a day

Pain on pin movement, on moving legs this or that way.

Tedious as life could be

Breathe in, be calm, ground myself again.

The wind blows and the rain lashes against the pane.

 

My delusions tell me to “Eat like a bird.”

Wellbeing, they have never heard

What do you do when soul continues to grow?

When you feel wings trying to show?

I look at my dinner, that I managed to plate

There’s still warmth and nutrition

It’s not too late!

I put down my pen, I try again.

I choke on the food.

The tears fall down my face.

Well, that’s ingratitude,

And my hatred starts all over again, not displaced.

 

I stare out the window, searching for the sun.

Calm myself, ground myself

Breathe in the sounds that are near

Life continues outside, this brings me some cheer.

I force down some mouthfuls, with the aid of weak coffee and a smoke

Deal with my own wind and convince myself, I can cope.

 

The day suddenly gets better

A call from my daughter

Can she visit? Would I let her?

The smile that you can’t see is wider than the distance between you and me!

My granddaughter with her will come

And a better antidepressant there is none!

So goodbye dear misery, for today

My life just blew a wonderful way.

 

Ah, discomfort and pain slide insecurity in

Will she be upset that Nanny isn’t better yet?

Oh, delightfully we will play

A new pair of shoes she comes to show me today.

 

I wait eagerly, the knock the on door

To see her bright eyes, smiling as before

A cuddle and a greeting I will get

They haven’t invented a pill yet

That gives you the happiness of love

It’s paid for in heartache in the family abode

It comes back in spades when you least expect

Overwhelms me, yet,

I’ll never take love for granted

My loss had to be done but

Love given out cannot replace wrong

My disgrace is mine and mine alone.

 

I wait for the doorbell, I can hear the lift

I wonder if it who I think it is.

Soon I will hear her laughter

Soon I’ll hear her steps

Soon I’ll get a hug from the best granddaughter yet!

 

How soon the hours do fly past

One, two maybe more, it’s hard to tell

We had a blast

“I’ll miss you loads,” she says

As off to the lift she yells.

My daughter and my eyes do meet

An animated, chatter journey home, her treat.

I press the memory firmly to my heart,

Close the door with blown kisses,

Now, my lonely afternoon starts.

 

The end.

 

By Samantha unextraordinarybint Harris. Written 27^th July 2020 at home in Watford, Herts. UK.