Category Archives: mental health

Transgender vs Women

Transgenders need to start getting out of our spaces.

I’m not happy with the rise of transgender ‘rights’.

I’m not happy with the amount of children transitioning into a life of medical intervention.

There is no such thing as a male or female brain.

Green party called us non trans women…WTF?

No, we are still women. If you decide to change your sex that is your decision and I should not have to change my attitude and language to suit men (dressed as women).

Rose Parkie tells it how it is.

The Karen White story is one to look up.

A convicted rapist who identified as a women and was put in a women’s prison. He then went on to rape other inmates. The media referred to him as a woman. The authorities say he’s a woman.

Crimes committed by a man being recorded as ‘by a woman’ is wrong and does not give a real indication of crime of females.

This was one of the reasons why I left Women’s Equality Party.

Do no harm.

Watch “NHS Going Going Almost Gone: David Halpin at UKIP SW -High Res” on YouTube

Caught In The Net – Poem

Caught in the Net – Polypropylene Mesh

My anger today will not go away
It is so hard to live
Every movement a reminder of what they did

People assume choice

They only listen to their same voice

Paint me with the colours that they know

Advice to look outside

Oh, that wondrous place,

The one I would reside?

Have you ever considered it’s not my wish to hide?

In my mind I glide across the countryside

My feet barely touching meadows grass

As I breathe in deep of green and wooded forests

I jump the trickling streams,

Wandering in leafy, brambled, brackened dreams

I miss

That I can see but no longer touch

The things that I love so much

I close my eyes to remember the smells,

The feeling of air on my skin

The prickle of sweaty regret begins…

The anger wells inside, that stupid trust

On which I had relied…

Taken from the forest of extremes

Where humans do good things.

Yes, they took from me.

They’re crooks who take liberty.

From Thalidomide to HIV

Between the Witz family and the Public Health Authority

They maime us

They kill us

With impunity

In perpetuity

Because victims you will not see

The End

20th August 2020 by Samantha Harris (unextraordinarybint)

Fresh Horizons – A Poem.

In Callow Land

Owls screech

Down Fall the Roe

Submission  

Into light so bright 

Burning without

Moons healing shadow

 

Press hands 

On mercy knees

Smiles spread 

On face of He

Return to a place

Secreted in history.

 

We sense they come.

One sole hangs in the scales

Nought one shoe can do.

Beg Humanity to see

The beauty that surrounds us

In a leaf or a humbler tree?

 

So, although they silence me

And, cut me deep too

I bleed blue, a blackberry hue

I will come back and take

My land,

That’s promised you.

 

Your fear too real

Endangering

Life you would steal

I lay down the lavender

To placate, replicate

For You and Its late,

Ones at the gates 

 

Staring lusty eyes search for holes

Greedy to trade the souls 

They sayeth devil be blamed

Just Gods on side, and

Under his wing

Opportunists will hide.

 

Less married women!

Single breeders evil be.

Feed the children you have sown.

Become the Father

It’s your place to own.

Or should be! (If you took responsibility.)

 

The innocence of soul be free,

Stop taking it for thee.

Filling youths’ heads 

With catastrophe 

And calamity,

After calamity.

 

To survive I must desist.

Disappear into the mist.

My love, I leave you

Upon freshly axed logs

Scented of woodland fresh

Surrounded in bluebells

With honey and primrose breath 

Where dragonflies flutter

Unwritten but uttered.

 

The end

By Samantha unextraordinarybint Harris

 

 

When At a Loss We Brits Have The Answer to All Dilemmas. Tea.

Today I will mainly drinking tea. I need calmness and to stay in my happy place.

I thought I’d share with you my current remedy, as I have a cough and tickly throat. The theory – or idea – is to keep the bacteria or virus from infecting one’s body you have lots of hot drinks. This forces the invader down into the stomach where it is killed in the acids there, rather than going into the lungs where it can become problematic. So, in this respect, tea is seen as a preventative medicine.

If you are a women who is pregnant or breast feeding the mugwort herb is not recommended.

This is my video with the instructions for making a comforting herbal beverage containing, mugwort, peppermint and camomile. The mugwort is grown in England so is easy for me to obtain, if you are purchasing do not worry about getting anything exotic, your local mugwort will be just as good as any other. Some herbs you may find cheaper and better quality abroad but generally locally sourced is best. Peppermint and camomile are easy to purchase on Amazon, check you like a tea before buying bulk amount.

Tea bags are not good for the environment as they can contain plastic which may be leaking into your drink.

No one wants that. Personally because of my situation with a mesh implant I try to avoid further plastic pollution within me.

I do still use teabags for breakfast tea… I’m not a saint.

I had an accident when making this film and dropped my camera phone on the floor face up. It’s a hot day today in London and the footage of me bending over to pick up the phone was painful to watch back over. I resembled a red, faced cockerel with jowly bits swaying hypnotically about my eyes and chin. I’ve edited the footage to remove this scene, leaving enough so the viewer can see some sort of accident happened.

 

 

 

 

The Indians and the Chinese have been trailing the mugwort herb for covid19. Mugwort’s been used for hundreds of years so there is a measure of safety, if used in the correct manner. Whether it actually works is anyone’s guess…

Huge NHS Fraud Tackled By Police

Sometimes crime takes a while to solve. Other times it takes less time to solve but more time to bring them to justice because of the system. This case, Operation Tarlac, took police eight years to finish bringing to trial but UK police got there with all but one.

This crime took place in England, United Kingdom but it’s implications spread far and wide into Europe, America, Africa and the Middle East. Our National Health System seems easy prey for these criminals.

NHS Fraud – Operation Tarlac investigated the removal of funds for a mental hospital to be built which would also help disabled children. 

This investigation, started in September 2011, revealed that a ‘criminal group’ defrauded millions from various public bodies including a number of NHS Trusts, councils and housing associations around the UK. The fraudsters employed forged letters, emails and faxes to pretend to be legitimate firms and then diverted payments to themselves.

I’d love to find out which councils and housing associations but am unable. I have tried to piece together the story from bits and pieces in the news. Some of the criminals appear to have gotten away completely and others not so. However, I’ve been unable to find out which of these were NHS staff, doctors, admin, council workers or otherwise.

Mr Bayo Awonorin, 44, admitted two charges of conspiring with others to defraud public institutions and to convert criminal property. Leicester Crown Court heard he played a leading role in the operation. He was originally arrested in 2012 but fled the country. He was extradited from Maryland in United States in September and jailed last year for this crime. BBC News.

It turns out that the money they stole should have been used to build a mental health care unit at Lincoln’s St George’s Hospital. It was easily lost to this diversion fraud when NHS Trust staff failed to check the new bank details supplied to them. I’m not sure of what happened at the Council and the Housing Associations as the papers didn’t report.

Another charged, was criminal fat cat, Mr Walter Wagbatsoma. This man is no small criminal. He is a famous businessman. Worth millions and millions and a pretty smooth character. However, he also isn’t the honourable business man his followers would have you believe, regardless of his clothes taste.

Walter Wagbatsoma was also convicted in Nigeria for his involvement in the multi-billion naira (their money) fuel subsidy fraud. He committed this crime when President Goodluck Jonathan was in office. For this, he was sentenced to ten years in Nigeria, in his absence (we have him in UK jail after a warrant caught him in Germany). In Lagos, he reached hero status and was practically worshipped… his supporters say he may have been tricked. Regardless, he was convicted of NHS Fraud and given 40 MONTHS.

Credit should be given to Detective Sgt Mike Billam, of Lincolnshire Police, we salute you. for a grand job.

His team managed to bring eighteen people to book for this crime, fifteen who appeared to have been charged and sentenced. A story from the local paper in 2015 shows how the judge gave them bail. Why do Judges do this when they had them there? This could be possibly the reason it took so long for the police to find them again and bring to justice.

I’m naming and shaming. this has already been done in the national press, but I’m adding the sentences they were given, if any found. It took some time to find this information as many of the media outlets mis-spelt names, left out locations and then the story itself took years so the news is spread over that time.

Oluwatoyin Allison, 48, of Voysey Square, Bow, London(2011) AT LARGE given 7 YEARS

Stephen Tyndale, 45, of Albany Road, Southwark, London(2011) given TEN YEARS

James Eman, 33, of Lineholt Close, Redditch, Worcs(2011) – cannot find sentence.

Ali Akbar, 31, of Lineholt Close, Redditch(2011) – cannot find sentence.

Abdul Ghaffar, 66, of Lineholt Close, Redditch(2011) given 22WEEKS

Abdul Nadeem, 36, of Lineholt Close, Redditch, Worcestershire(2011) given 67 MONTHS

Mohammed Nadeem, 33, of Lineholt Close, Redditch Worcestershire(2011) given 67 MONTHS

Arif Habib, 54, of Bearsden, Whitehill Road, Glasgow(2011) and Dubai given 40 MONTHS

Monica Thomson, 38, of Ivy Way, Airdrie, Scotland (2011)- not sentenced at the time. However, her face was plastered on every newspaper…not sure why she wouldn’t be sentenced as she was found guilty.

Imtiaz Khoda, 42, of Dubai and Dallas Road, Lancaster(2011) given 54 MONTHS

Kalpesh Patel, 43, from Dubai (2011)- no news of sentencing, or English address.

Tariq Khan, 33, of Dubai and Meadway, Ilford (2011), London given 8 MONTHS and order to repay £20,000 to Lincolnshire NHS Trust.

Zahid Muhammed, 46, of Tinto Road, Glasgow (2011) given 21 MONTHS

Shazia Nisa, 33, “from the West Midlands”, (no idea why she shouldn’t have an address) – I don’t think this woman was sentenced or found guilty. Of the two women in this so called ‘gang’ this one seems the more cunning…no face in the newspapers and no address given.

Yagnesh Patel, 44, of Rookery Road, Staines-upon-Thames (2011) given 15 MONTHS

Oghogho Ehanire, 41, of Brackenbury Road, Preston (father of seven) suspended sentence of 12 MONTHS. Probably lenient because he pulled the old ‘wife couldn’t cope without me’ line – an assumption as the paper mentions the children…this man got off scot free…

They got mainly convicted of diverting funds, or fraud. The money was legitimate to begin, SUPPOSED TO BE FOR THE MOST NEEDY, then these crooks diverted the funds to other ventures or rather their own bank accounts. Some got done for the lesser crime of money laundering, moving the money after the fact.

One NHS Trust got a small proportion of it’s money back but only £216,000. They lost millions.

Bravo to the police…let’s make sure they can carry on doing their jobs and let’s hear no more talk of defunding a very necessary organisation! They need funding and proper working conditions which are suitable for what they do. I’ve seen some of the buildings they work out of…come on, give them some pride in their work place.

Thanks for reading, all comments welcome, if only to tell me of spelling mistakes! I have no agenda – I write about what I like to.

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Links for reference below to back up anything I’ve claimed.

https://www.glasgowtimes.co.uk/news/13646992.scots-among-15-bailed-after-appearing-in-court-for-an-alleged-12m-fraud-against-public-and-private-bodies/

Another take is how awfully administered the NHS Trusts are…I’m sure this will be further investigated. Also the links with Forex and how this could happen.

https://www.lincolnshirelive.co.uk/news/local-news/police-reveal-how-caged-fraudsters-146444

How Buying Forex From Anonymous Source Landed Oil Trader Wagbatsoma In International Money Laundering Trial

Defrauded NHS Trust recoups £1.2 million under Proceeds of Crime Act

 

Some people are just lucky I guess…https://parrotnigeria.com/how-oil-magnate-walter-wagbatsoma-was-released-from-british-prison-now-back-in-abuja/

Ashamed of Myself

Today, and yesterday my thoughts have slipped

Suicide and thinking about it

Thoughts started sliding last week

The Oxford doctors called and told me I’m weak

Postponed my mesh removal surgery again

My lung disease has drawn a line

They’ll look at my case in four months time

 

Because of covid19 I must wait again

Regardless of my lack of life

Regardless of the pain

In four months time

I’ll still have lung disease

Corona virus will still be around

It will be the winter months

And again, I’ll be bound.

 

So yes, ‘Hooray’, the report came out

‘At last!’ Us victims do shout…

Matt Hancock apparently apologised

For all the doctors and healthcare’s lies

‘Sorry,’ they say, for not listening to me

The NHS is ‘sorry’ for my sixteen years of misery

Nothing changes though

I’m still Johnson & Johnson’s

Cash cow for eternity.

 

How clever of a nasty cosmetic firm

To make my bladder burn

To be able to sell me a pad?

Just switch on the TV to see the ads

Telling me incontinence

Can be ‘pretty’…

Who are they trying to kid?

They should be made to sort it.

 

I shouldn’t be in terrible pain

I shouldn’t be thinking, ‘how do I get through the day?’

I should be able to have a sexual thought

I should be able to walk

Embarrassed to let everybody know

When outside, I’m distraught

My mind is capable of one thought

Where is the nearest place I can go?

 

So yes, I’m ashamed to say

Been thinking about ending it

Today

Pain and disappointment

Stretch out long, before me

I search for someone to support me

Toss and turn all night

Vomit all day

This is not life’s way

I will NOT give in to it

I just needed to communicate

To stop me walking

Towards the gate.

 

Thankfully I have poetry, but is it going to be enough?

 

The end.

Sorry, this is very depressing but I had to do something to relieve what I am feeling.

By Samantha “unextraordinarybint” Harris

TVT mesh victim.

https://news.sky.com/story/nhs-must-apologise-for-dismissing-pelvic-mesh-and-anti-epilepsy-drug-patients-suffering-review-finds-12023175

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-53323780

https://slingthemesh.wordpress.com/media-news-updates/

Black Lives Matter During Corona Virus

There are so many interesting things going on in our worlds right now.

A deadly virus called corona virus called covid19 somehow managed to cause thousands of deaths in my country and many people are arguing over how.

Our government, for the sake of our safety, rather too late to be of any real benefit, but with good intentions, locked down our societies to stop the spread of the transmissions.

During the lockdown, over in America, a man who had committed some terrible crimes in his past was being reported to the police for passing over a fake $20 in a local store, The store owner was unable to tackle the criminal himself as he was known to be violent and appeared to be under the influence of something.

The store owner, already out of pocket because of the $20 note, called the police. One of the attending officers was already known to have used deadly force on another man a few years earlier. This policeman’s previous victim was without colour and without a criminal record.

Unfortunately, the crook died after resisting arrest – the policeman again being over forceful and killed him.

What happened when the police came to arrest this crook I hope will be forgotten for ever. I’m not going to say either of their names. The policeman should never have been still in his job. If lives mattered he wouldn’t have been.

These sort of crooks and bad policemen to not deserve to be remembered. In the same way the slave trader Colson wasn’t remembered with honour. His statue was thrown into the river by the black lives matter movement. Now a hidden in the sea but it doesn’t change things.

A crook in America was killed and the world rallied for him because lots of money went towards that to happen. The blm movement spread faster than covid19 around the globe.

Then, it happened…in the middle of this covid19 pandemic, black lives matter, who do no justice to black lives, destroyed towns and cities across America with protests about the crooks death and caused many more deaths, directly through violence and indirectly through covid19 transmission.

Black lives matter say it’s all justifiable…well it isn’t, that is a rubbish argument.

You see your racism makes you think black people are oppressed as a race when they aren’t.  You are probably the kind of person who would be surprised to find sky scrapers in Africa. Your racism sees black people as poor and impoverished as a blanket fact. Now, I don’t see black people like that. I see each of them as individuals. Some oppressed and others definitely not.

Yes, of course black lives matter, as do white, brown and all the shades in between but that would never be enough for this movement. It was never going to be enough because this isn’t about black lives, this is about trade. Tear down our systems, make target countries weak and then drain what is left through poor desperate trade deals.

Supporting any slogan like ‘lives matter’ is good…put a colour in front of those words and you are being racist. One of the most maddening things about this group is how long they’ve been planning and plotting this ‘forced white guilt’ across the globe…so many depressed people being fed lies by our TV, media channels and health centres.

Black lives matter take no responsibility for Africa’s part in the slave trade and have spent a long time mis-educating people in America in their black only colleges and ignoring black on white crime in the media. The UK has similar problem with the increased amount of faith schools, family funded and business academy education.

The fact that many of the American black colleges now have to allow white students to help pay for the education of others is how some of this miseducation has come to light.

Some facts that any one supporting blm should know;

It was Canada and Great Britain which stopped the slave trade. Our battleships stood off the coast of Africa and forced them to stop selling their peoples…we didn’t succeed fully.

The last African country to stop slavery was this century in 2003 in Niger, north Africa.

The most enslaved people right now are white. Check out the trafficking figures.

So, my story is that I’ve been writing about discrimination within the housing policies and health policies towards Europeans and UK white born people for the last year, I know that racism does exist but it is very much aimed towards white people within our administrative systems…perhaps that is why is does sometimes spill out on to individuals in our communities as we watch them skip through the queue.

I’ve been a victim of racism by black british people and it’s about time we started talking about it…or, are we in England going to take the same stance as the Americans and let this thing get out of hand, pretending that the black lives matter cause is serious.

Time for the black lives matter movement to state what it is they really want.

For me, I like my country, I don’t want changes and any more segregation. I think the segregation we currently have is wrong and discriminative. I don’t think people should have a right to a special place where no whites are allowed…that is racist.

I think all vaccines should be available to all children. For example TB is rife within our communities but only people arriving from other countries or people of colour get tested or vaccines – our children have the right to be protected too.

I’d like a return to real equality which means my life matters as much as someone of colour within policies and health.

I would also like to see all schools be inspected and university’s to ensure this type of radical education and misinformation is stamped out before it gets worse than it is.

Simple truths, the bbc insisted that black lives were more likely to die from covid19 – although this is not true, however the bbc also supported blacklivesmatter to break the lock down and increase transmission of covid19…hypercritical or what?

Thanks for reading.

My Special Tin – Poem

Sometimes in life, I don’t know where to begin

No matter how hard I try, depression seeps in

Arguing with consciousness, anxiousness, figure fatigue

It’s beginning to become the new normality

 

Also, in life, I’m often missing the point

Seems like everyone is shouting and pushing

I dream to withdraw, grab my tin, make a joint

It’s not even a tin, but that’s an historical thing

 

Of course, it would be therapeutic…

What else could it be?

It’s hardly social, trapped home as a criminal, is where I’d be

Cannabis being illegal in my country

 

Privately grown and worldwide exported, but only medically.

Unless you’re a Minister, Doctor or other licensed sinister

Peasants just aren’t deemed ‘worthy’

Basically, it’s not allowed to be used by the working class family

 

So, let’s shout out for equality

What’s right for others should be right for me.

I call for drugs to be decriminalised

Let the police concentrate on saving lives.

 

The End

By Samantha ‘unextraordinarybint’ Harris

A country who decriminalised in Europe 15 years ago.

The link above is about Portugal. Users are rarely given prison time, instead they have a community care role towards the user to ensure abuse is kept to a minimum.

They are not alone, many countries and some states in USA have now decriminalised cannabis. England exports to them but doesn’t allow it’s own population to partake.

Thanks for reading. Please leave a comment on whether you think drugs should be decriminalised or if you like the poem. I love to know what others think.

Make it ’til Morning – Poem

 

I dread, sometimes, they’ve got it wrong

And tomorrow, I won’t wake where I belong

This lovely world will be left behind

My days no longer lasting

I will, no longer, wake in wonder staring at the clouds

I will, no longer, imagine where all the cars go now

Their drivers live a life that’s long

They see the road ahead, not me

Viewing them in my tower of eternity.

It comes and goes,

It teases me.

Will I have tomorrow the same way as today?

Will I wake to hear and see the wind blowing, making trees sway?

Lights flickering with the leaves

A reminder of what’s really ‘steady’

An infinite, definite light

Made to burn less bright

A life not lived is sad indeed

So thankful for my memories

Perfect beaches in Palestine

Wet Greece in September rain

Summertime sizzling in Los Angeles,

Cold Austrian mountain plains.

Oh, then there are my lovers

All held in my soul and dear

I feel them in the depths of me

Keeping me warm through my years.

To my children, they’ve been miracles,

Each and every one

I love each of them with a true and caring heart

Our children, some close, some far

Will always leave a loving scar

Not one is undeserving, just one a cut above,

But all are filled with my love

Worthless and priceless.

Will I have a life that’s calm?

Perhaps a time that’s pain free

Will only come when I release this mortal coil

What a shame this would be.

There is so much left to do, feel and see

People ask, ‘what is my key?

Belief I say; so strong, it’s hard to see

It hides beneath the clunking hand which sits beside my heart

I feel it bearing down, choking the daily start

The belief is my beginning , middle and end

Without it I’d not imagine whats around the bend

I’d be stuck with clunky

Grinding through my days

I’m so thankful to have belief

That I’ll meet tomorrow’s day.

 

the end

copyright Samantha Harris @unextraordinarybint 2020

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Make It Til Morning – Poem written 22nd February 2020

Written when I had a awful foreboding in the early hours of the morning. I’m ill anyway but rarely feel like I am going to die.

The poem is about believing that you will survive.  That particular night I remember drinking 2 litres of water, convinced I was about to have a stroke. I had stabbing pain over the back of my head. I don’t get headaches normally so am a real wimp with them.

I spent a lot of time that night pouring cold water on flannels. Using them to cool me down by putting them on my  forehead and also taking paracetamol. I couldn’t sleep properly as I hurt all over. The pain was breaking through my Fentanyl patch and my other pain medication taken for breakthrough pain.

I kept checking the clock and was taking paracetamol every four hours. It was just keeping my temperature reasonable but I was still extremely hot.  I rested in the bath with towels because the sweat was uncontrollable, the bed becoming drenched.

I tore my HRT patch off as my breathing became so difficult I got paranoid that the hormones were making my heart and lungs struggle more than necessary… I’ve no idea if it helped, other than to make me feel that I was doing the most I could to help my body fight off whatever was happening to me.

My throat was ‘sticky’ and I was mindful to keep drinking hot drinks to keep my lung disease from becoming too ‘reactive’ and my cough under control. Although usually I am on the toilet because of a bladder condition, I barely urinated at all, so I can only assume that I sweated the fluids out.

If you know anything about me you’ll know that I am extremely wary of going into hospital. I’m glad that I coped and sat up that night, I don’t remember writing the poem and came across it when I was cleaning up the table a few days ago. At first I thought it was too self indulgent but in the current circumstances of global lock down, I thought I’d share my fear of death.

Thank you, as always, for reading and stay safe (at home).

Mesh? TVT? The Right to a Full Sex Life.

Trans-vaginal tape is the term used to described the plastic mesh placed during bladder surgery. It is basically a strip of unfinished plastic mesh just like below. It is placed around the bladder in a special procedure using long needles and brute strength. 

TVT is usually implanted to help secure the bladder against leaks of urine, it is used as a sling between the pelvic bone cavities. It was ‘designed’ to support and lift. It cuts off the flow of blood, urine and feeling to the area depending on it’s position. The loss of flow is intermittent, so one can go from calm to complete groin spasm in milliseconds.

So this, one second it’s fine then spasm, starts an onset of unbearable urgency. It gets so unreliable that eventually you are either unable to urinate or can’t stop urinating! Also urination becomes extremely painful. It is a similar situation with sexual performance.

 

Above is a picture of the mesh which was installed into me – as you can plainly see it is the same polypropylene that fishing nets are made from (link below). That is the same polypropylene which they say is dangerous for our environment and marine life (link below).

It has caused a lot of damage to the human beings it’s being installed into.

This is mesh plastic, very useful stuff but unfortunately toxic.

 

There is an alternative operation. There is no need to maim people. This plastic mesh surgery is just a new version of an old and well practised operation to help women after childbirth. The old operation was successful for hundreds of years but took more time.

In the past, Colposuspension was the most commonly performed operation for the treatment of stress urinary incontinence. This is a major operation that requires a general anaesthetic. The abdomen is opened and the bladder neck is lifted upwards by stitching the lower part of the front of the vagina to a ligament behind the pubic bone.

I was given TVT suspension during a hysterectomy to remove my womb and the plastic mesh was heat sealed inside me as you cannot sew stitches into it. This was all performed under general anaesthetic.

It was years before I clicked I’d been duped. Although there had been immediate problems things felt different as I no longer had a womb. So, you could say that I was fairly satisfied. Believing that my continual bladder and bowel problems were normal after a hysterectomy and to be fair, I was told they were normal by my GP.

However, approximately ten years after implant I started to have continual vomiting. They diagnosed Chronic Vomiting Sickness. But, numerous other, now called ‘mesh related’ symptoms appeared too, other auto immune problems. 

The Gynaecologist didn’t tell me TVT mesh may trigger a reaction with my body. I was not told it is a poison which leaches into flesh over time. I was not told it is only guaranteed for fifteen years and then they didn’t know what would happen! This is something to consider if you are offered plastic mesh for any invasive procedure.

Being around noise of almost any level began to hurt, affecting my ears and jaw. I started to not be able to attend my normal social events or even restaurants. Now, fifteen years later, I cannot eat food I used to because I can’t chew for long without it affecting my ears.

My ears now suffer from constant hypersensitivity.  I became reactive to nearly all my medications and unable to eat an ongoing amount of foods. Constant urinary tract infections with blood constantly present as well as other less describable things.

This has to be said, sorry I’ll say it as delicately as possible but basically my back end and front end started behaving erratically. It started to get difficult to sit comfortably. I kept getting cystitis without having had vigorous sex.  My GP sent me to the sexual health clinic although I told him I’d not been able to and even brought along the boyfriend!

They sent me back stating I did not have an STD. I officially complained then spent next few years having investigation after investigation. Not one consultant or hospital told me that it could be the TVT mesh. However, it is continually mentioned on my surgical notes.

Now I have learnt that it was a plastic mesh tape of device. I know that some plastics harden over time and can become brittle. Once the chemicals holding them together have been leached into the surrounding body the plastic mesh starts to disintegrate.

Fifteen years after implant I am rarely able to have sex. If I do the only position achievable would be missionary and then I cannot abide any pressure on or in my pelvis at all. Now, where is the joy in that?

Being a confident woman I liked being on top and used to enjoy the freedom that my extra flexibility gave me. However, it seems the TVT plastic mesh does not allow for too much movement so it’s lie back and stare at the ceiling.

Being so flexible was doable when I could keep my muscles strong. Not so if you are stuck at home waiting for the NHS to remove something they never should have placed in you to begin with. Muscle wastage is a real problem as walking is not possible. Typed through gritted teeth…

I am being truly honest when I tell you I was looking forward to years of guilt free, mature, steamy, sex as not having a womb I wouldn’t have to worry about contraception. Ahhh, how naive was I?

Anyone reading this should understand the kind of money involved in this plastic medical mesh industry. Last year the industry was worth 6.7 billion dollars. If you are considering mesh implant for hernia or pelvic surgery you will be told not to take any notice of people like me. You may even be told there is no alternative.

You will be told that the problem is minor and that the sufferers blow their symptoms up for attention. I know this as daily I read a Facebook page called Slingthemesh. It’s a support group. Generally it is full of heartbreaking stories of the mesh maimed.

Perspective patients come into the group, they tell us that they’re offered this treatment and what they have been told about us. I’m just going to tell you that there are millions of sufferers of TVT, TOT bladder sling, hernia mesh, pelvic prolapse mesh blanket, mesh tape and other new names they are thinking up of to stay ahead of the law suits.

You are not going to read very many personal stories about how the mesh has affected it’s victims. Most victims being too embarrassed or completely unaware of why we are having the problems! Some have won massive payouts and are not allowed to talk to public. Most victims don’t have a blog where they can share.

Having always had a varied and satisfying sex life it is a shock to be without it. Of course I get on with my life. There are much worse things. I’m thoughtful of the fellow souls in a similar position for the same or different reasons. But understanding it doesn’t mean I have to like it and put it with it in a gracious manner.

My membership to Kestrels goes unused and my right arm is killing me.

I’ve checked my rights and I’ve no right to sex but I have the right to express my sexuality. That’s nice but not helpful. In the mean time I’m thinking of doing a critique of my favourite porn videos… and the lack of choice from a female user of the industry.

Ah I just came across a blog page funded by super big organisations telling us their plans to dominate the hernia ‘industry’ be careful out there folks!

Thanks for reading.

http://www.toxicswatch.org/2008/11/toxic-leaching-from-polypropylene.html

https://www.memphisnet.net/product/4040/nets-seine-knotted-9  (industrial use mesh)

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/johnson-johnson-agrees-to-117m-settlement-over-pelvic-mesh-devices/

http://inthesetimes.com/article/13353/a_female_surgical_nightmare?

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/johnson-johnson-agrees-to-117m-settlement-over-pelvic-mesh-devices/

https://medicalxpress.com/news/2018-07-surgical-mesh-implants-autoimmune-disorders.html

https://www.drugdangers.com/transvaginal-mesh/brands/

https://wordpress.com/read/blogs/161987861/posts/29642

 

Lumps – A Short, Self Obsessed, Article

In true me style, it took weeks to realise that I’ve been able to play my guitar for longer than usual. Being extremely happy to be playing again, I didn’t question it. Tending to go through life heavily sedated – my defence feels secure when I admit this.

I did, however, finally twig last week when I got to the end of a three minute song without having to take a break to massage the hand.  So, of course I got to thinking about how I could suddenly do this.

What have I done that is different? Self analysing is common when you are perceptually poorly, apparently it’s natural. To comfort myself, whilst thinking, my right hand went to my left hand to massage the nodules on my knuckles. I’ve been doing this to help with these ‘growths’ for around two years now, as per Rheumatologist’s instructions.

As I started the rhythmic, circular motions something was feeling unfamiliar. I was massaging my knuckles and they were unusually flat. No lumps. I did the cursory checks over the rest of my hands…to see if they had migrated (?) but they are definitely gone. I have waited a few days before announcing – just in case they returned, but I’m exceptionally pleased to say that the my lumps on my hands have gone!

Yay!!!!

Now, to the query of how. Or rather my theory as to how.

The most recent addition to my medical defence against my illnesses has been the introduction of a chemical called Acetylcysteine, also known as N-acetylcysteine or NAC. It was originally discovered in the 1970’s but I’d never heard of it. Apparently it was a big deal when they did discover it and many people across the world use it to aid health.

For myself, I’ve come across NAC by error and accident. Initially it was prescribed by my COPD nurse at my GP surgery. It took weeks for the chemist to obtain it, as he hadn’t come across it either. I picked up the effervescent tablets with the same nonchalance as I usually view my medication with – rare to find items which work I’ve become a cynic.

Usha (lovely nurse btw) intended to have the medication as she’d read, in a magazine, how helpful it had been for COPD patients suffering from bad absorption of nutrition and I had lost over two stone in weight which she could see from my health records.

It was only an accident because it is not licenced for use in the NHS for treatment of lung conditions. She wasn’t supposed to prescribe it to me (error) and then, on top of that, a GP okayed the script without realising (accident).

When I asked for a repeat of the wonderful script I was told the bad news. There had been an error that had resulted in the accidental prescription of a drug I wasn’t allowed.  So, I couldn’t have it again. The surgery apologised.  They gave me a medicine called carbocysteine but this sickly sweet alternative with added flavour does not work.

However, to imagine that I would just leave it, having now found something which made me feel better, was unrealistic. As NAC really had improved many things for me, I decided to find a private source and a quick search online saw me discovered how popular Acetylcysteine is and that it was available without prescription globally.

Thankfully many outlets do sell a form of NAC but none are effervescent type in the UK.  As I am unable tolerate capsules or tablets I searched a little further and found a Spanish supplier which has a similar dissoluble tablet, only this one is lemon flavoured – yuk – I prefer plain because of the chore of my stomach and bladder.

Mesh injured and citric acid is not a good combination. Vitimin C is citric acid and as such it triggers cystitis and over active bladder symptoms. However, all drugs have some sort of side effect. So with this in mind and determined to get something with active NAC within, I thought I would give it a try and purchased, off Amazon, anyway.

When it plopped through the letterbox onto the doormat, weeks later, I couldn’t get the canister open fast enough. First day was great, but immediately my bladder had kicked off. Within days, my kidneys were beginning to become painful and I knew the product was too much for my system.

I cut the dose from daily to once a week because of these side effects. Results are now good, my energy levels are much improved and so is my appetite. I am happy with this product – the one I buying via Amazon is called Aquilea Mucus. The added Vitamin C will be of benefit generally once the bladder mesh is removed (I’m awaiting this on NHS).

I’m sharing my experience of this product because I want to share, I’m not on a commission or anything like that. I have no agenda other than that of my experience to be shared.

Please do bare in mind this product was my only choice in a small market! I’ve just ordered enough to see me through Brexit. Just in case you guys suddenly decide to try it too and stocks get low in the UK.

I did my research and wiki sums it up quite well.

wiki says, “Acetylcysteine, also known as N-acetylcysteine, is a medication that is used to treat paracetamol overdose, and to loosen thick mucus in individuals with cystic fibrosis or chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. It can be taken intravenously, by mouth, or inhaled as a mist. Some people use it as a dietary supplement.”

So, NAC has many uses. It seems that different firms highlight the relevant beneficial areas to market their product. This can make it difficult to see the whole picture of what NAC is able to do for some people. Costs are pretty cheap compared to other drugs.

There are many articles on NAC so as I am not recommending and am just sharing my experience,  I’ll leave it to you to do the research if you want to try it for yourself or recommend it for someone you know.

My GP says it’s only licenced for paracetamol overdose in NHS and will not allow me this medication for COPD so I take it as a food supplement.

I’m not a doctor or medically trained in any way. My qualifications are mainly in electricity but I do have a keen interest in biology. I have the first hand experience of how things affect my body and I know that I feel better than I have for years regarding energy levels and tightness of chest.

The research calls NAC an non essential amino acid. Amino acids are essential for absorption from what I remember from biology so my COPD nurse is one of heroes now. Usha, the nurse, listened to me and helped me – ten years under a consultant at respiratory thoracic department at Watford General Hospital haven’t done as much.

…and the nodules, I call them ‘lumps’, that have disappeared from my hand?  They really have gone completely and the pain associated with them. I’m thinking that the cleansing processes of the Acetylcysteine on the body are just what my body needed. I couldn’t be happier with it.

So, far from being the usual ball’s up, the NHS’s error in prescription has benefited me. Which is nice. Being Brits we pay into our national healthcare system by paying our tax and insurance when we work, it’s nice to know it’s there when you need it.

It is unusual to be able to say something positive about England’s health system and I’m not sure this article is. I see the British spirit as making the best of a rubbish situation, as it could always be worse.

From handling my mental health issues, I know that positive outcomes are important to be recognised, regardless of how they come about.

Thanks for reading folks.

Have you had an error which benefited you in ways you didn’t imagine it would?

 

 

Stars Likes – Poem

 

I try and like people

I really do

I wonder if it is like this for you

Inside my smile is not heartfelt

To be frank

It’s an effort to stop the slime spilling out

Do they contact me to torture me?

To drive home the disparity

I feel that they do

No more interested than you

You’ll read a line, maybe two

Then wonder what else you will do

To fill the time between here and there

Join hands and we all pretend to care

Perhaps I see myself in you

Acting our part, hard to do

Yet we all must continue

Towards the star that bares our name

Up in skies ours yet to gain

My fellow souls are way up there

Beyond the reach of those that bare

Arms against our fellow man

For family’s blessed plan

I’m pleased some souls see me

Life bearable on this planet be

Without some souls getting through

I’d be at a loss

As I try to like people

I really do.

 

End

 

written by Samantha “unextraordinarybint” Harris

This is about feeling as if I don’t fit in here on Earth…

Where else could I be??? Thankful to be here but wonder why I feel so displaced and suspect it is my mental health but often wonder if others feel the same.

 

All comments welcome.

 

 

Herts Mind Link – Article Mental Health

The Incredible Herts Mind Network

My first Herts Mind Support Worker was assigned to me in January 2018. Three Rivers District Council and my physical health were compounding my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and triggering depression. Scared that I’d take my own life in order to relive myself of my anguish. I’d found them online and referred myself to the charity for support with my housing.
Every day was a struggle. My head was busy convincing me that I was a sick animal who was only being spared the chop because it amused the gods to see me attempt the daily necessities.
At first, it didn’t register. I was not seeing the difference Naveet was making. It was months before I was able to view time with perspective. I was so lost when she first arrived, I can’t actually recall it.
Naveet had managed to get me out of the house and help me start seeing things to be interested in again. She also helped when they removed my disability benefit by agreeing to come to the appeal court with me and helping with all the forms and communication.
Naveet encouraged me to be more social. Not social in my old way but something new a different social life for my current abilities. I managed to view some suitable homes and finally exchanged to a flat where I could access a full bathroom with a bath rather than just a sink. Naveet supported me and gave me the encouragement to make the move I had desperately needed.
Her popping around to see me once a week, ensured that I did the simple things, at least once a week. I would brush my hair, clean the toilet and the kitchen. Things I wouldn’t have bothered doing just for myself – at that time. I started to order my medication on time and be more organised.
Watching her burst through my front door each week was something to look forward to. Her hair and face were always perfectly made up and she wore clean, nice and modern clothes. It reminded me of what it was to live life well. I would feel embarrassed that my wardrobe now consisting of jogging pants and sweaters.
My move of home was great, the funding was available for her to continue to support me in my new home. It was a relief. I’d moved councils so there had been a risk of having funding pulled because I no longer lived in the area. By a stroke of luck, I’d moved into to property which was also covered by the Herts Mind Link charity.
Things started well in my flat, it being all on one level meant I could access every room.
Unfortunately, then I was then a victim of nasty verbal barrage. Some woman decided that I deserved her hatred. I’d walked around the block. A lady, having previously seen me in my wheelchair, decided I must have cheated the council.
Shouting loudly at me, out in the street. She called me a liar. I tried to tell her I’d downsized, giving up my three-bed home for the two-bed flat but she was determined to give me a piece of her mind. It scared me and I became anxious to leave the flat.
The same week Naveet said she would be leaving Herts Mind Link to continue important aspects of her study at a hospital placement. I would be allocated another support worker. Naveet was exceptionally nice and I knew I’d miss her intelligence and insight. We’d had such great chats when she wished me well, I truly believed it was meant.
It was a terrible time for me again. There had been a mixed up with the Universal Credit system and although nothing other than my address had changed, my benefits had been stopped. I was desperate for assistance and food.
Whilst waiting for a payment to come I had to visit the landlord for a voucher for a food bank. Then my landlord put an Eviction Notice on me. I considered suicide, I considered worse. Thankfully it was a short wait before gaining assistance again and when Herts Mind provided me with another support worker and it couldn’t have been more welcomed.
Annaka bounced into my flat. Immediately she recognised the urgency and looked into my rent account. She calmed me down and understanding the situation communicated with the landlord on my behalf reminding them that I was a protected vulnerable person and they shouldn’t be threatening me with eviction.
Then she sat with me and went through all the calculations. Her outrage on my behalf really helped, she didn’t try and make it out to be my fault or threaten me like the landlord had. Annaka continually told me not to worry and that she would help me.
Her support was friendly, consistent and professional. Although my rent was paid directly from Universal credit to Watford Community Housing Trust the monies had not been allocated to my rent account. It was looking like I was in heavy arrears, but I wasn’t.
I owed £74. The land lord said I owed £1358. Annaka agreed with me. I recall feeling so relived. She called them and told them to stop calling me demanding monies and she organised a meeting between us all so that the rent accounts could be sorted out properly.
My marvellous support worker got to work over the next few weeks, she dealt with the universal credit people, the PIP appeal and then met up with my housing association land lord. Unfortunately, Watford Community Housing Trust wouldn’t remove the eviction order, but they promised to not enforce it if I were to agree a payment plan for £74.
We counted it as a win. The landlord was never going to admit a misallocated the funds.
This helped my feelings of security and help me feel less anxious about people trying to remove me from my home. Before long Annaka informed me that I had been with Herts Mind Link for over a year and the funding for me to be continued being helped was being questioned.
As my mental health treatment still had not started Annaka seem genuinely reserved at discharging me but there was little she could do. As I had a friend staying with me for a while, I insisted I was okay and agreed to the discharge. In my mind it was time for her to help others.
Unfortunately, my friend turned out to be not such a good friend. Suffering with a chronic vomiting syndrome episode I was taken into A&E with chest pains. The Watford General hospital could not locate my patient records and called me psycho before bringing me back home alone the next day. The East of England ambulance just left me here amongst the vomit I’d been removed from 24 hours previously.
I was ill. I looked into the mirror at myself for company. The chest pain was incredible. I imagined wings breaking out from between my ribs, enabling me to fly away from the pain. I told myself that if I could keep my heart calm, I would cope with such a thing. I carried on looking into the mirror until a beautiful woman looked back at me, perhaps a past life or even a fancy costume memory. Whoever she was, her beauty made me feel stronger to cope with the pain. Reminding me of the strong, beautiful women I have known.

The next working day I went to the GP and he sent me straight for a heart scan. My heart is okay, just usual mitral valve prolapse we already knew I had but an ultra sound discovered I have breast cysts and raised lymph nodes under the arms down into the rib cage. I’m sure that is what the pain was rather than me growing wings!
I feel that I would not be able to deal with these things had they happened in the last property. My home actually saves me every day as the view is outstanding and I now write poems and short stories for a blog to help keep me sane. Writing has become my therapy. The flat environment is light and airy and helps me see clearly. I suspect it helps with my vitamin D levels too.
I’m eternally grateful to Herts Mind Link for helping me and listening to me. Understanding what I needed from a home rather than what the council wanted for me. Both Naveet and Annaka were helpful and professional towards me. Annaka could talk the hind legs off a donkey and was a lot of fun and Naveet is classy and smart. Both did their job well and I’d look forward to their visits and valued their advice. Naveet got me to this wonderful flat and Annaka help me keep it. Their role in my mental health wellbeing cannot be underestimated.
Lifelines like Herts Mind Link are so necessary in the UK. I was able to access this service via the internet which was a good idea because I’d asked my GP and Upton Road Adult Mental Health Services for assistance with the housing and neither had been able to help me.
Without Herts Mind Link’s timely help, I would have been either carrying on racking up debt for rent in a house inaccessible to me or evicted from my new one for spurious reasons. The risk I was facing of causing harm to myself was an awful situation because I would not be here for my children and grandchildren. I cannot thank the support workers enough.
I may have a painful life, but I would not trade it in for death to depression.
Good luck with any future funding Herts Mind Link.

 

Hark Hark Dogs Bark, Beggars are in the Towns – Poem About Homelessness.

Homeless in rags and some with bags

They hang around on the ground

From Tinseltown to Norfolk Downs

They grow and swell along with the cloud

*

Moved on from everywhere they settle

Personalities not deemed worth the metal

Clean blood, no drugs, no pets

The rules of the roof to be met

Watching those whose bones unfroze

Walk by with noses held high

*

Choose not to see the dirt in which you hide

When they entered into the pact

Lives do not look at or choose to face

Worlds created for those they displaced

*

Nothing to do with them, they’ll say

Go on with their busy, useful day

You took their home, their thrones, their land

Deserving of the dirt you land

*

Justify away….

Your moral compass is somewhat squared

With your invisible gods up there

Humanity is lost to you when deities

Or lies tell you what to do

*

Souls lost, still sleep out in the cold

Especially if frail, disabled or old

No more deserving than you or me

Good grace is where it is at

Giving something back.

*

Charity begins at home

If you have benefited from the sale of their homes

Should you not feel obliged

To leave your hatred aside

*

Not for the gods and your immaculate domes

Not for the peoples you left

But for the land which saved you

And gave you benefit.

The End.

 

 

By Samantha “unextraordinarybint” Harris

Now a rant about the housing crisis in UK…

Breaking the law on disabled discrimination in favour of race.
Proof that UN convention on safeguarding disabled people as a vulnerable group was and is being continually broken by Herts Country Council Housing Policy and many other authority housing agents. 

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2017/jun/28/council-homes-sold-off-almost-three-times-as-fast-as-new-ones-are-built

England had mainly social housing for decades until the Tories started selling it off. There is a large house building policy in place but these are private homes not for social housing – to imagine that homeless people are homeless because of ‘lack of affordable housing’ is quite frankly a fucking joke.

It is the policies which have made so many homeless. Not replacing the social housing which has been sold into private ownership. Simple. Alongside a Tory policy which also saw 20,000 Syrians re homed here under a special scheme. Very charitable.

The UK social housing policy allows tenants to buy social housing properties at knocked down price…as such much of the housing stock is now privately owned and unavailable as social housing. The UK law allows purchase within five years of receiving a social housing property currently and has for the last few decades.

Individual councils have their own policies as to who get’s allocated a social housing property and as I have continually pointed out to the council this breaks the law on equality as per the UN Convention. Basically the council hand pick the property you are allowed to bid on if you need housing. So Tamil housing has there own policy, Three Rivers have theirs and so on.

I’m rather fed up of our laws being broken and after waiting for several months for the councillors to investigate I’ve decided to vent my frustrations via poetry. I mean no harm to anyone but will defend myself when in a corner.

My housing association attempted to evict me on spurious grounds and I know of others who have been evicted. There is no recourse or appeal. Disabled people’s right are being stomped on and ignored.

We have a council staffed full of success stories. Let’s have some compassion rather than contempt – disabled people have rights and they should be being observed.

https://www.watfordobserver.co.uk/news/17954914.homeless-deaths-increase-watford/

I applaud our country for helping others. But our governments should have been safeguarding our social housing not selling it off. Five years is not long enough to be a tenant before being able to purchase property.

I would argue that the Right to Buy policy be withdrawn until the housing crisis is over.

https://fullfact.org/immigration/syrian-refugees-uk/

 

Click to access 170711_Syrian_Resettlement_Updated_Fact_Sheet_final.pdf

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russians_in_the_United_Kingdom

To the Russian woman who attacked me when I moved into the block. Fuck you. I have just as much right to social housing, if not more. Already living in social housing but awaiting a larger property my Russian attacker reckoned that as I was disabled I must be lying about my illness to get a home…divide and conquer tactics at their finest.

What can one say? Thanks for reading and all comments welcome.

Lack of Fear and Wellbeing – Article

Behaving impulsively is a well documented human behaviour. Advertising agencies use this trait. Stores place enticing goods at eye level to increase profits. Generally being spontaneous and the odd impulsive gesture is often admired in our society. Wellbeing articles daily advise to ‘out of our comfort zones’.

For those suffering, and I use that word deliberately, with mental illness the advice out in the wellbeing world, is well meaning but must be handled with care. After all, you don’t need qualifications to write about anything. Mental health patients have to learn to avoid certain articles and advice.

Mental Health advice should never be one size fits all.

These wellbeing courses are all the rage in mental health services. I’ve attended one or two. Along with myself, a sixteen year old girl, five others and a fifty year old disabled soldier, an assistant and the consultant. All the patients suffering from very different disorders but being given the same advice in a room ill equipped to facilitate.

As a mental health patient who presents as well and has a healthy desire to actually get better and understand what is happening to me these classes do help some but there needs to be more support around the uptake of the advice.

It’s not always easy when many mental health treatments are group based generic situations focused on what can only be termed as living well when the patients are at the end of their tether with life limiting illnesses rather than just not looking after themselves properly.

The focus seems to be on cutting down on drug use (prescription drugs) and eating well, planning chores and looking after yourself as best as you can. All good stuff. I have definitely benefited. However, if half the group is already following several diet sheets because of physical aliments and needs their medication.

How are mental health patients then supposed to decide which of the generic advice is good for them to take?

I’ve come away from these classes so anxious about what I’ve learnt. I’ve stopped taking needed medications, started eating things I’m not allowed and have put myself in unsafe situations. Often taking months to re-establish my normal.

Often people with mental illness have no fear. This can mean fear of any type…fear of failure, fear of being laughed at, fear at physical harm for themselves or others. Imagine not having fear of failure…this is something I can relate to. Within one day I can convince myself and act upon an idea which would take others months to do.

I have no fear of new things. I love new things. Every day I have an idea of some sort to make money. I could pick up the phone, start a company, then calling a paper doing a story on the new company, putting an advert for staffing my new company, and marketing the company. I would have that company up and running within a week and could sell it to you here convincingly.

However, the next week, I would be physically sick, literary vomiting. My brain has not adjusted to the fact I’m ill. They call this mental illness ‘Adjustment Disorder’. My new company would fall apart, I’d have to wind it up with the inland revenue, try and cancel all the things I’d started…all whilst being sick. Tell the people I’d got all excited about their job it wasn’t going to happen.

I love meeting new people. I gave the sixteen year old girl, from wellbeing class, a lift back to her home as she lived near me. No fear. Lovely girl, she had been given time off school to attend the treatment classes. What sent me into another spin (after she got out of the car) was as a Jehovah witness she’d been home schooled. She believed that the Earth was flat.

Let’s think, it must be at least three years or so since I did the last treatment class. Refusing to attend another. I waited for a psychologist but the lists are long and the priority is elsewhere, with people who are suicidal and aggressive which can not be a bad thing.

So, after three years of waiting at Upton Road Mental Health as an outpatient who never seemed to get to the top of the list and after another long waiting room episode because of lack of my specific doctor (who I’ve never met ) I decided to withdraw.

After all I have found blogging and share my thoughts, stories and poems. I’m smart enough to realise this has been my therapy and is continually helping me. I have a choice what I read. I spend time conversing with people I want to and will often read something I do not agree on so I learn something new…no fear.

Thankfully I’m still be here. Previous attempts were obviously not successful. I’m safer because I have, what the professionals term as ‘protective factors’ . I don’t like to cause inconvenience to people. I can use this factor, to stop me from acting out the things I think. This I did figure out on my own.

For instance, I’m still thinking of a plan of revenge against my doctor but found one person who is totally reliant on him. Because of that one person I can justify to myself that the doctor is protected – at least one person would miss him. So I can stop revenge plotting against him in my head.

I have to do this thought process with many things. Suicide is avoided by constantly reminding myself that I have children and that they would be sad if I left.

Impulsive behaviour is a symptom of many mental health disorders. https://www.verywellmind.com/impulsive-behavior-and-bpd-425483

When I was younger and more able to control my physical illnesses my lack of fear enabled me to do and see things that I’m very grateful for. I’m the only female I know that has driven, across Europe from England to Israel in a blue Talbot Horizon. I’m one of the bravest or stupidest people I know.

My degenerative physical quirks have meant that the benefits of the mental quirks are now limited. And my mental quirks have made it difficult to deal with my physical quirks. However, I’m learning to save my hands for typing rather than wasting their precious energy on cleaning – mainly thanks to wellbeing classes.

Fear of the unknown is something I could handle. I love new experiences. Daily life is old, used and known. My world is repetitive, it’s retrospect and benign because that’s how it has to be. I’m learning to live in strange unrelenting fear. Fear of the known because there is no longer any physical escape.

My blog is my new ‘no fear’ living format. I blog about things which mean little to anyone but myself and add no value to others in advertising or marketing terms. I purposefully do not follow a theme other than just what I want to cover. Unable to currently acquire new experiences I live in my past and in the lives of others.

If my truth resonates with anyone it’s brilliant. It’s almost as good as performing on stage. Seeing someone like a poem or article I’ve written, it’s an ego boost, it’s great. Truly, it means more to me than sitting in Upton Road mental health’s waiting room for doctors who I may have little or no respect for.

Thank you for reading.