Fam – poem

Are you fam?

Would you know?

Who I am?

DNA will say.

We are in an age

When all alliances

Will go astray.

To find commonality

In humanity

I need to tell you


Is distraction man

Love is

Bringing up the rear

No priority

Re-arranged here.


By Samantha Harris

EssBee – A Poem

If I sent a key

Could you see

What befalls me?


Dreaming of flight

Pure delights

For you, I fight


I dream of a key

Enveloping me

We slide in eternity


Clouds do part

For one good heart

Heaven we will see.


Pie in the sky

With chicken eyes

Stepping stones will be.


My love





By Samantha “unextraordinarybint” Harris


Desire – A Poem.

Thoughts of you as time slips by

Floating in the depth of your eye

Gliding underneath your wings

Playing my heart strings

Remembering your garden

Clock’s forgotten

Sigh upon sigh

As the traffic flew by…

I confess that loves long blur

Caresses and whispers

Reminds me to see

Loves youthful tombs

Souls, as beautiful as born

Remain, with me, all at sea

Only longing for the moon

The End.

You (a love poem)

I wake with you inside my head

My head, my body, my bed

I feel you with the breaths I take in

I know not where I start, and you begin

Thoughts of you continue

Throughout my day

I never shoo them away

For they are the company I keep

The bond so deep

That is where I choose to stay.


By Samantha “unextraordinarybint” Harris.

Thank you Triangle – A Poem

Of course, they are watching

Is it funny, I thought you knew?

You wish for a time gone by but that’s not what I do.

I’ve grown into a monster, a free human, trapped .

I can see no way back

The need for your journey is to complete

With duty, no woman can compete

I thought only to share some time

I could always see the end of the line

Do not be sad or incomplete

As our hearts did not meet

I hope in time to see your heart

Maybe when we are not worlds apart

Until that day I see each day anew

And that is because of you.



By Samantha “unextraordinarybint” Harris

Meshed, Mad and Horny.

Fancy Someone and Disabled with Mesh? Me Too.

I have a smile on my face. I feel younger. I’m pretty sure it’s because I found I want to be close to someone. We’ll meet again soon and there will be no doubts, no strained small talk because I bit the bullet and straight up told him, I couldn’t get him off my mind.

It was a huge risk. I don’t like rejection, but he’d gone out of his way, just for me, so I had an idea I was putting feelings in the right place. Now, however I’m thinking that telling him was the easy bit. I’m thinking should I actually consider involving someone one in my misery.

Fantasy, of course, is one thing and reality another. When you embark on a new sexual relationship the ideal would be to do so in wild abandonment, to throw caution to the wind and let our bodies take us where they will. But already, I am worrying…

Several conflictions now in my mind. The least of which is the TVT mesh medical device implant. The mesh was put into me before the medical establishment really understood the female anatomy (2005) and sensations are hit and miss. This is hard to describe to doctors who just don’t understand female orgasm or its role. For instance, I told my gynae I had lost feeling in my rosebud and he said,

“Oh no, it’s fine. It all looks very pretty down there.”

There isn’t much you can really say to that is there? This is like only having a cheese knife for soup. You may decide you are not hungry after all. After many hospital appointments and different treatments, I’m now waiting a removal specialist although I am not on any list as a list doesn’t exist.

The manifestation of the mesh’s impact itself in my life is more than annoying and usually very painful. Imagine, if you could, having a piece of serrated tape threaded through your genitals to your spine and then back again. That is what the surgeons did to my poor fan.

There are days when I cannot think of anything else other than my groin. If I stand up straight, it pulls across my bladder, if I sit down it pulls across the top of my pubic bone. As I walk it, I feel it most, it moves in sawing motion through my insides and squeezes my bladder painfully.

The movement happens without me thinking about anything arousing so imagine that going on down there when sexy thoughts start. It’s tormenting. My brain is now on the desperate longing stage. I’m longing to smell him and touch the skin beneath his clothes. I want to lie in the smelly warmth of our mutual want and kiss every millimetre of his manly frame. I’d like to worship his essence…

So now I’m tending to shift around quite a bit in my seat, moving my weight from one side to another. I do this in an attempt to take the sensation away, just to give me a break from it. If it were a penis, I suspect it could be like having the life sucked out of you by someone with sharp teeth when you are also desperate for a pee. It may be nice at first but claws after a while and quickly becomes unbearable.

Whilst I am desperate to jump on my new adventure and ride to wonderland, I am also very aware that medically I’m not allowed to ride a bicycle let alone a man. Previously I’ve only been able to achieve unison in missionary position and disengagement was both dicey and painful. This plays on my mind.

Of course, I know, in my grown up, adult world, that I can discuss all this with my prospective lover. I know he will understand and be mindful of me. I do have faith we’ll find a way around my insecurities because intimacy does make me feel great. Life has few free pleasures. I’m determined to enjoy the flesh to flesh experience for what it is, joyful.

I’m determined to be close to another. I need and deserve it. Note to self, not to sound too desperate. I realise that someone permanently by my side, fighting my corner and supporting me is a fantasy, but a kiss and a cuddle isn’t too much to hope for. As a woman I need to feel wanted and needed…I believe men feel this need too. It is a human need and one I cannot live without.

Regardless of the emotional and physical pain I’m looking forward to getting to know my new lover. He has already given me hope and a real feeling of security by just being in my life. Yes, I’m still scared of what the future holds for me but now there is a slither of excitement running through my day and nights. Who wouldn’t want that?

This plastic mesh embedded in me, bleeding its carcinogenic poisons into my body, has taken so much from me I cannot allow it to take passion too. I think about the future scared but now there is something unknown, something enriching for me on my horizon. A man 😉

I’m Not Laughing Doc

Disgust and Division in The UK – Classifying People Aryan is Offensive.

It seems that our government has given reason a holiday. Richard Harrington may have resigned his parliamentary position he is still our head of County. I have some questions for him. What is he going to do about the discrimination in Hertfordshire towards disabled people, women and people who are not members of a fashionable faith?

For centuries people have picked on the outsider, the one that was different. One could be classed as different for all sorts of reasons. For instance, I am just a soldier’s daughter with no debate skills or further education other than electrical and science college. My writing and speach aren’t great. I also am estranged from my parents for more than thirty years. So I’m different.

There are other examples like, most people come from where they currently live. Those that move into a new area are different. Or a family who has five sons suddenly has a daughter, she’s different. Sometimes a baby is born with a different body or a strange set of features again that baby is different.

It could be a religious difference, like catholics are very different from pagans, hindi is different to christianity and then there is judaism and islam. Guess what? They are all different. They are all faith groups and we have managed to get along for a couple of hundred years at least.

Or so I thought. In England there has been tolerance and our culture has grown from it. I am proud to be British like many others who live in this country. As Brits we have stood against intolerance and attempted to stop injustices as a nation of people – what our government does is another matter and we are often dragged along with an aggressive option for untransparent reasons.

As a nation we have often had to force the hand of our sovereign and our government to do the right thing many times over the centuries of faith rule – as in all countries.  As nations we forced our governments to end slavery – although many aspect of faith groups felt it was still necessary and Africa demanded to still be allowed to trade.

Most of the faith groups worship innocence and pagans worship life as it actually is.

I have been discriminated against without realising it was happening. My right as a child to be protected, my right as a woman to education, then as a mother demanding education and care for my children, my right to healthcare and now, as a citizen.

My duty has always been to love and protect. Most girls are brought up in this theme. I have made mistakes – I arranged to pick a fellow student up on the way to Barnet College. Then I drove right past him, down Western Ave and up Woodgreen Highroad, back in 1994.

I’ve witnessed casual racism from every single nation. On building sites and within the army people celebrate their differences. Sometimes it’s harmful but if there is love between those throwing racial abuse it’s just different and often funny.

Being laughed at when you are loved by those laughing at you is a joy. It’s one of life’s little blessings that comes with being loved. You can’t just rib anyone though – it must be someone that you feel love for – otherwise it’s bullying. Forcing someone to laugh at others who are different and don’t know you is bullying.

You’d think that people would be able to recognise bullying, seems like it would be obvious. But they don’t always, it can sneak up on you. I think that bullying comes around when humans are disgusted by other humans.

It’s so easy to make humans be disgusted at others. I see it all the time as a disabled person. The nose crinkles up and the eyes narrow. Judgement. Most faiths warn of the judgement. In paganism there is a tarot card called the judgement. Tarot is ancient. Different faiths have attributed different meanings but essentially it is whether you judge yourself as a good soul.

In paganism we have a meditation called The Mirror Meditation. It means you look in the mirror. If you are interested, I can tell you how to ensure results but I will give you the key points. By staring in the mirror at your own eyes you will see into your soul.

Are you a kind person? Do you treat people as you would like to be treated? Or do you treat people as you’ve been told they should be treated? You will have completed the meditation when you can hold your own gaze through the past lives of yourself that you will see.

Division between people and non-acceptance of freedoms was something of the past in my living memory, it is currently 2019, yet here we are again. Today I got classified as Aryan in a UK hospital. This is something very new for me. I took a photo of the form because I still can’t quite believe it.

When I get back home, I searched through my gallery pics and bring the photo up on my phone, it still feels unreal. I looked up what this new classification means on the internet because all I can think of is nazis. I ask other people and they agree, that’s all they can think of too. It is an offensive term.

Apparently, according to wiki it means I come from Iran. However, I’m a Devonshire lass. I come from where ‘my lover’ is a greeting and is said to strangers and most people love a drop of cider. The land of cream teas and Cornish ice-cream. I love Devon and Cornwall, I only had to leave because I’m different.

As a coincidence they are also redeveloping Devonport, in Plymouth where I was born. Station Road in 1969 to a Welsh father and English mother. One of my grandads was the ferryman. All of my family have piecing blue eyes and blond hair except my mother, she has green. I have brown eyes and dark hair.

I am now fifty years old, to be told that I am not caucasian anymore is somewhat of a shock. Why such a category of aryan? Why not celtic British, welsh British or even ‘dark English’ which is what my Israeli friend once described me as. It seems that ‘Aryan’ is the term and I am told it is lawful. The word itself currently disgusts me and that is what worries me.

I have a black British consultant, an Indian hindi nurse and a Jewish receptionist all working in Watford General Hospital along with the muslim and christian folk at my local GP surgery.

I’ve always had doctors which looked different than me. The best doctor I ever had was a Chinese doctor down in Brighton in 1989-1992. I miss her. Dr Chung listened and she had knowledge and could get me help. She was never dismissive. She would swab my butt if it was necessary, she wouldn’t have thought it was inappropriate. I suspect MRSA would not be in her clinic.

There was a Chinese woman with her sick mother when I was at Watford General today, she was distraughtly waving her form, trying to get some help and being told to wait. She was why I was drawn to looking at the paper I was holding to arrange my next appointment after having had my appointment already. I would never have noticed it if it wasn’t for that lady and her mum.

Over the last twenty years or so our country’s freedoms have been removed. I know that I have been systematically bullied because of my lack of a fashionable growing faith. Being part of the world of woods, wildlife and folk tunes isn’t enough to be safe.

Filling out social housing forms has made me see that things are not as they were and worse still, what they were was an illusion. I’ve read all TRDC reports on equality since 2012. They are available for download from their site. They are not offering services across the seven protected groups. They are cherry picking who they provide good service to.

Forms need to be filled out for you to sign when you have a flat audit. The staff member explained that they had to make sure I wasn’t subletting the flat. They check the flat and ask for ID – I’m thankful for these checks.

The WCHT staff wanted to ensure I had everything I needed as she was also my equality services provider. I’ve been here almost a year, so I asked for a tenancy agreement so I would know if I was breaking it. I asked if they wanted to see all my occupational therapist reports and medical letters as I retched and I apologised for the smell. They both looked around the flat. They seemed unaware of any of my details or previous complaints.

Form filling – boring but forms give clues as to where funding is allocated. In Watford Community Housing Trust forms flat audit forms there was no box under religion for pagans. No pagan box to tick. This means pagans are not counted. No pagans in Britain is not possible. Pagans built Stone Henge and have been protecting this land and its occupants for thousands of years.

The woman doing the audit asked me if she could put pagan down under christian and I almost died on the spot. I thought of all the witches burning at the stake across the globe. I thought about the fat dripping down the side of Spitafield Market walls in London from the human burnings. I may love all that Jesus represented but I am not a christian.

The fact that christians like to cover up like the muslims is also not so pagan. Many more thoughts came to my mind but I stayed calm and polite.  I told her to draw a box. Then I asked her to write pagan next to it. Then I asked her to tick it and I know I used the word please. I have to say, that although ill-informed they were both very nice.

Funding from councils is allocated out to services and benefits depending on the community which responds to feedback forms. These forms are supposed to be anonymous but in Hertfordshire County Council they are not. Especially in Three Rivers District Council and Watford Borough Council.

If you are not happy with a service or group provision this council will increase the advertising budget for that service. The advertising budget is then allocated out to the different services and provision groups. Feedback is collected to ensure that protected groups are being protected, such as old people or disabled.

However, if the service or group provision is not on the page it cannot be ticked. Provision can’t be measured or any advertising budget increased because no feedback forms will be sent out to a service which doesn’t exist.

Advice on the new homes being built and who is allowed to buy and what help financial help is available is also allocated by the council authority. The advice is given to social housing tenants by it’s authority and as such who they invite to buy is supposed to be heavily regulated to ensure they follow equality laws.

Three Rivers District Council, Watford Borough Council and Hertsmere Council have all been made aware of the discrimination and breaks from procedure but have told me I do not have an argument. The UN law doesn’t count here they tell me. Well, until we actually leave Europe, YES IT DOES.

So it seems unlikely pagans are to be offered any advice on how to buy the lovely new homes which are being built in their communities. Watford locals are attempting to hold on in the midst of these ‘redevelopments’ with no literature to aid them or any idea of where to get help.

Pagans are a huge group of people. Not only are there a huge group of folk here in UK, but all over the world. China, for instance, is mainly pagan as it doesn’t financially support faith groups. Disabled people do not want to be disabled. Also, not all of us have always been disabled. I have every right to claim benefits and feel the judgements of disgust should be stopped.

Money has been spent on making us feel disgusted with all sorts of things, disgusted with benefit claimers and homeless people, disgusted by drug use, disgust at young girls that have been groomed from such an early age they don’t know the father’s names to their children, disgusted at people who hurt animals, disgust at how others live, disgust at adults in nappies, disgusted by witchcraft – which is just mirrors and spells.

Pagans are classed as devils by faith groups – they are hunted and killed. Blasted in the media as baby killers and bad people. Jesus had a saying apparently, I suspect it may have been an old pagan saying from the times, he tried to stop a woman from being stoned to death, he said, “He without sin should cast the first stone.”

Now we are classed as aryan, people will think we deserve it when we get stabbed…is that why a boy can be hammered to death after being chased by groups of men, hunted across Watford until he and his friends are finally trapped in by the gangs in a subway. The police only managing to arrest one and not gathering information or evidence correctly, the one they jailed getting just four years, out in two. The local newspaper naming the informant but not the men arrested?

Aryan. The term disgusts us. It’s hard to believe but it’s actually true. They thought we would be out of Europe by now and wouldn’t need to clean up but their arrogance has shown through their mistakes. I think their biggest mistake was thinking people don’t care. Not even bothering to check for spellings on their dummy websites or checking with a lawyer before writing letters claiming legal knowledge.

Some of these faith group fund guzzlers have resigned over the last few months. In Hertfordshire and across England they can be seen running, some back to the states. They realised it all might come out, they realised we may stay in Europe because people are beginning to see all the cheating things done to swing the vote. They realised that someone had been reading their reports.

Forms are just great, things like ‘Head of the Household’ is a telling term. It means housing associations can put the one person down as the main tenant – even if a couple joined the housing list together. If then that person finds themselves out on the street it is their own fault for not staying with hand that feeds them.

These things are illegal but since the referendum these injustices have run rampant. No one is checking that policy is correctly implemented. No authority in the County cares when disability laws are broken. No one cares when an organisation breaks from the equality policy – because they think it won’t matter.

No one checking policy is because they are busy. Busy checking their image in the mirror. I know of working families waiting for housing for years. None are offered new housing to buy although they meet the criteria. They were placed into social rental units instead. This takes up the social housing for those waiting and then councils move who they want to into the built to buy flats.

It seems faith plays a part in whom can be offered help to buy these lovely new homes which our swallowing up the little green spaces, the few we have left on council estates.

The word pagan has been associated with disgusting things of late. If I were to say the same of another religion, I should be prosecuted for breaking equality laws. However I must stress this – I don’t feel like saying nasty things to other people. Other people do not disgust me. We are all different. I just wish I didn’t disgust them so much.

Groups of people hating on each other isn’t nice. I look in the mirror. I look at my soul. I know the bad things within me. I do not judge the things in you. I just ask that you do not call me an aryan and ask that you revert Hertfordshire County Council back to how it was. We are still in Europe you are breaking the law of equality which the UK signed up to. Why would you do that to me?

Samantha Harris.

Equality In Housing Allocation In UK

I have been trying to get this story out for a while but my emails are returned to me from the police and from the special fraud squad.

I highlighted inequality in our housing system towards disabled women and women as they are both protected groups under UN convention.

The housing trusts are Homegroup, Watford Community Housing Trust and Tamil Housing. These are the only ones I looked at. But all three broke the rules on housing allocation.

At what point will the government deal with this problem?

Building more private housing on over populated pieces of common land is against our laws.

There are huge areas of england available for building projects- to keep building on the same spot of land is not sustainable and against our laws.

Perhaps someone could send me the address of special fraud squad because I’m tired of my emails being returned.