Feeling Persecuted in London

I woke up upset again today.

Recently the sun has been shining. We had a week long, glorious heat wave.

The government released most of us from our homes from covid19 lockdown rules and we’ve been able to move around freely, with or without masks. Most of us made the most of it.

And, we are looking forward to complete freedom on the 21st June.

So, why do I feel low?

Could it be because I’m surrounded by untruths?

As I sit and write this, a mist hangs low over Watford in Hertfordshire and sirens sound loudly on the roads outside my tower block. It is always busy where I live, on the outskirts of London.

Many things bounce around my head, none more than the attack on myself in 2012.

I try so hard to not think about it…so hard.

I went to the fair on Sunday. Three hours of screaming and colour. It was probably the second time I’ve been out with my grandchildren. It was amazing. Everyone was happy and smiling. I was smiling. I was laughing.

So, why don’t I wake up thinking about that happiness?

I’m trying to avoid news channels but I live in London. It’s impossible not to know the news as I’m attached to youtube most of the day.

I check to see if the system is working yet.

For me, this is done by putting a victim’s name into the BBC news search box. Not mine.

No, it isn’t being covered.

He doesn’t matter.

So, why do I feel so upset. They tell he doesn’t matter.

Roll on ‘complete freedom’.

Thanks for reading.

Photo is of german facial protection mask from 1600s currently on display in a Combined Military Museum England, UK. Sorry about my wheelchair being reflected in the glass! I wondered if this mask would protect me from the virus, G7 or G5?

The Foxes Rise Again – Life Article

The Foxes Rise Again – As viewed from tower block in Greater London.

Against all the odds the vixen I’ve been watching for the last year has another two cubs and is sunning herself in the field opposite my home. She has brand new cubs, just two, this year.

I watched the family over the last twelve months and heard her screaming at night recently. I did some research and found that this was the mother forcing last years cubs out of the family home to fend for themselves. Reminds me of my relationship with my own children when they hit the teenage years… Just when are they old enough?

However, each day I’d look out the window and see all the cubs again playing together until a few months ago. Then suddenly the mum appeared to be on her own and looking a bit shabby and pregnant. I do admit to seeing a squashed fox or two on the road, so I’m assuming at least two of the three cubs from last year did not make it to maturity.

These new cubs look very healthy and playful.

The fox’s fur coat is red, it shines against the green grass. I watch as the new cubs play on one side of a fence whilst the mum rests, curled up, under a bush on the other side. Another fox, perhaps the father, strolls around the bushes where the female lies.

She will do well if any of her cubs survive. I wonder if the father will stay around for long this year. Last year he appeared to hang around for a couple of months.

Mumma fox’s den is in a tiny enclave just down from the muddy bank which leads onto the A41. This vixen has little land to roam. What she has is between the A41 and M1 and around a mile of small, busy roads to deal with between. The fox family don’t have to worry about other wildlife. There are the local dogs, which are generally on leads on the other side of the fence, plenty of pigeons, gulls and some Red Kytes.

From my watching position I see the grey feathered backs of several wood pigeons flying over the foxes. The white stripes with black tips, on their wings, make them look like road chevon’s. These birds are not worrying the foxes. The cubs continue to play and enjoy the fleeting sun on what is a rather cold May day.

I see no Red Kytes today. They are scavenger birds of prey. They are spectacular to watch in the skies from here when nearby. They have the same red colour, a gleaming reddish brown as the foxes. Kytes have markings across their backs too, although not the same as wood pigeons. When they open their wings and glide nearby the black markings can be seen clearly and are unique to each bird.

The young foxes chase each other around in a circle, turning quickly and bundling on top of each other. Their white bellies showing whilst they scramble with each other to be on top, just for a moment before turning and chasing starts up again. They chase each other again around the fence nearby to where their mother lies resting.

The father continues to sniff around the enclosure. He seems quite large compared to her and eager to check out the facilities. There isn’t much, if they are brave and fast enough, they could jump over the railway tracks, which are open here, and across the dump to the Sainsburys carpark. However, this is where I saw dead fox last so this is not a recommendation.

Other than that, I have seen families across the way throw food out over the fence which the local cats, birds and foxes all seem to enjoy. There is a fluffy, white cat which loves to hunt around down at the other end of the field. I’ve never seen the cat and the foxes meet each other.

I watch as a car pulls up, on the road side of the fence, feet away from the stalking male fox. The car’s contents spill out, laughing children and adults, who then pile into the little square house in the middle of the little square houses. The hedge hides the fox from the families view and the fence is between them.

The fox listens, his nose in the air, facing the car and his ears waiting to tell him if he has to run or not, whilst the vixen still lies curled up in the bush she knows she is safe, he has yet to have the same faith in the environment. He waits until the family are all inside the house before circling back over to where the mother and the babies lie.

Life is always moving; I go to make a cup of tea in the kitchen and when I return all the foxes have gone. Perhaps the family is settling down for their lunch or off on an adventure somewhere. I will look out for them most mornings and will see them grow. I’ll watch the vixen go through her circle of life. Long may it continue as foxes are so much fun to watch.

They remind me that life is so different for each and every living thing. Not all beings are born with a purpose or a need to leave a mark, they live and die without mention. They enjoy the world without being told how to appreciate it.

The foxes are happy and content to live on the little bit of land they have managed to grab for themselves. The mother appears to feel secure whilst the male is ready to disappear and let her get on with it. She will do her best to educate the cubs and then she will replace them.

Her family unit lasts for one year. I’m privileged to be able to watch. Whilst fox hunting is banned in England, she will continue to live without too much fear of humans. I hope that fox hunting is never brought back to our countryside. To me, it would be a step backwards, a step towards becoming more uncivilized again.

Let’s continue to watch the fox. 

fox
the fox

I’m Not Laughing Doc

Disgust and Division in The UK – Classifying People Aryan is Offensive.

It seems that our government has given reason a holiday. Richard Harrington may have resigned his parliamentary position he is still our head of County. I have some questions for him. What is he going to do about the discrimination in Hertfordshire towards disabled people, women and people who are not members of a fashionable faith?

For centuries people have picked on the outsider, the one that was different. One could be classed as different for all sorts of reasons. For instance, I am just a soldier’s daughter with no debate skills or further education other than electrical and science college. My writing and speach aren’t great. I also am estranged from my parents for more than thirty years. So I’m different.

There are other examples like, most people come from where they currently live. Those that move into a new area are different. Or a family who has five sons suddenly has a daughter, she’s different. Sometimes a baby is born with a different body or a strange set of features again that baby is different.

It could be a religious difference, like catholics are very different from pagans, hindi is different to christianity and then there is judaism and islam. Guess what? They are all different. They are all faith groups and we have managed to get along for a couple of hundred years at least.

Or so I thought. In England there has been tolerance and our culture has grown from it. I am proud to be British like many others who live in this country. As Brits we have stood against intolerance and attempted to stop injustices as a nation of people – what our government does is another matter and we are often dragged along with an aggressive option for untransparent reasons.

As a nation we have often had to force the hand of our sovereign and our government to do the right thing many times over the centuries of faith rule – as in all countries.  As nations we forced our governments to end slavery – although many aspect of faith groups felt it was still necessary and Africa demanded to still be allowed to trade.

Most of the faith groups worship innocence and pagans worship life as it actually is.

I have been discriminated against without realising it was happening. My right as a child to be protected, my right as a woman to education, then as a mother demanding education and care for my children, my right to healthcare and now, as a citizen.

My duty has always been to love and protect. Most girls are brought up in this theme. I have made mistakes – I arranged to pick a fellow student up on the way to Barnet College. Then I drove right past him, down Western Ave and up Woodgreen Highroad, back in 1994.

I’ve witnessed casual racism from every single nation. On building sites and within the army people celebrate their differences. Sometimes it’s harmful but if there is love between those throwing racial abuse it’s just different and often funny.

Being laughed at when you are loved by those laughing at you is a joy. It’s one of life’s little blessings that comes with being loved. You can’t just rib anyone though – it must be someone that you feel love for – otherwise it’s bullying. Forcing someone to laugh at others who are different and don’t know you is bullying.

You’d think that people would be able to recognise bullying, seems like it would be obvious. But they don’t always, it can sneak up on you. I think that bullying comes around when humans are disgusted by other humans.

It’s so easy to make humans be disgusted at others. I see it all the time as a disabled person. The nose crinkles up and the eyes narrow. Judgement. Most faiths warn of the judgement. In paganism there is a tarot card called the judgement. Tarot is ancient. Different faiths have attributed different meanings but essentially it is whether you judge yourself as a good soul.

In paganism we have a meditation called The Mirror Meditation. It means you look in the mirror. If you are interested, I can tell you how to ensure results but I will give you the key points. By staring in the mirror at your own eyes you will see into your soul.

Are you a kind person? Do you treat people as you would like to be treated? Or do you treat people as you’ve been told they should be treated? You will have completed the meditation when you can hold your own gaze through the past lives of yourself that you will see.

Division between people and non-acceptance of freedoms was something of the past in my living memory, it is currently 2019, yet here we are again. Today I got classified as Aryan in a UK hospital. This is something very new for me. I took a photo of the form because I still can’t quite believe it.

When I get back home, I searched through my gallery pics and bring the photo up on my phone, it still feels unreal. I looked up what this new classification means on the internet because all I can think of is nazis. I ask other people and they agree, that’s all they can think of too. It is an offensive term.

Apparently, according to wiki it means I come from Iran. However, I’m a Devonshire lass. I come from where ‘my lover’ is a greeting and is said to strangers and most people love a drop of cider. The land of cream teas and Cornish ice-cream. I love Devon and Cornwall, I only had to leave because I’m different.

As a coincidence they are also redeveloping Devonport, in Plymouth where I was born. Station Road in 1969 to a Welsh father and English mother. One of my grandads was the ferryman. All of my family have piecing blue eyes and blond hair except my mother, she has green. I have brown eyes and dark hair.

I am now fifty years old, to be told that I am not caucasian anymore is somewhat of a shock. Why such a category of aryan? Why not celtic British, welsh British or even ‘dark English’ which is what my Israeli friend once described me as. It seems that ‘Aryan’ is the term and I am told it is lawful. The word itself currently disgusts me and that is what worries me.

I have a black British consultant, an Indian hindi nurse and a Jewish receptionist all working in Watford General Hospital along with the muslim and christian folk at my local GP surgery.

I’ve always had doctors which looked different than me. The best doctor I ever had was a Chinese doctor down in Brighton in 1989-1992. I miss her. Dr Chung listened and she had knowledge and could get me help. She was never dismissive. She would swab my butt if it was necessary, she wouldn’t have thought it was inappropriate. I suspect MRSA would not be in her clinic.

There was a Chinese woman with her sick mother when I was at Watford General today, she was distraughtly waving her form, trying to get some help and being told to wait. She was why I was drawn to looking at the paper I was holding to arrange my next appointment after having had my appointment already. I would never have noticed it if it wasn’t for that lady and her mum.

Over the last twenty years or so our country’s freedoms have been removed. I know that I have been systematically bullied because of my lack of a fashionable growing faith. Being part of the world of woods, wildlife and folk tunes isn’t enough to be safe.

Filling out social housing forms has made me see that things are not as they were and worse still, what they were was an illusion. I’ve read all TRDC reports on equality since 2012. They are available for download from their site. They are not offering services across the seven protected groups. They are cherry picking who they provide good service to.

Forms need to be filled out for you to sign when you have a flat audit. The staff member explained that they had to make sure I wasn’t subletting the flat. They check the flat and ask for ID – I’m thankful for these checks.

The WCHT staff wanted to ensure I had everything I needed as she was also my equality services provider. I’ve been here almost a year, so I asked for a tenancy agreement so I would know if I was breaking it. I asked if they wanted to see all my occupational therapist reports and medical letters as I retched and I apologised for the smell. They both looked around the flat. They seemed unaware of any of my details or previous complaints.

Form filling – boring but forms give clues as to where funding is allocated. In Watford Community Housing Trust forms flat audit forms there was no box under religion for pagans. No pagan box to tick. This means pagans are not counted. No pagans in Britain is not possible. Pagans built Stone Henge and have been protecting this land and its occupants for thousands of years.

The woman doing the audit asked me if she could put pagan down under christian and I almost died on the spot. I thought of all the witches burning at the stake across the globe. I thought about the fat dripping down the side of Spitafield Market walls in London from the human burnings. I may love all that Jesus represented but I am not a christian.

The fact that christians like to cover up like the muslims is also not so pagan. Many more thoughts came to my mind but I stayed calm and polite.  I told her to draw a box. Then I asked her to write pagan next to it. Then I asked her to tick it and I know I used the word please. I have to say, that although ill-informed they were both very nice.

Funding from councils is allocated out to services and benefits depending on the community which responds to feedback forms. These forms are supposed to be anonymous but in Hertfordshire County Council they are not. Especially in Three Rivers District Council and Watford Borough Council.

If you are not happy with a service or group provision this council will increase the advertising budget for that service. The advertising budget is then allocated out to the different services and provision groups. Feedback is collected to ensure that protected groups are being protected, such as old people or disabled.

However, if the service or group provision is not on the page it cannot be ticked. Provision can’t be measured or any advertising budget increased because no feedback forms will be sent out to a service which doesn’t exist.

Advice on the new homes being built and who is allowed to buy and what help financial help is available is also allocated by the council authority. The advice is given to social housing tenants by it’s authority and as such who they invite to buy is supposed to be heavily regulated to ensure they follow equality laws.

Three Rivers District Council, Watford Borough Council and Hertsmere Council have all been made aware of the discrimination and breaks from procedure but have told me I do not have an argument. The UN law doesn’t count here they tell me. Well, until we actually leave Europe, YES IT DOES.

So it seems unlikely pagans are to be offered any advice on how to buy the lovely new homes which are being built in their communities. Watford locals are attempting to hold on in the midst of these ‘redevelopments’ with no literature to aid them or any idea of where to get help.

Pagans are a huge group of people. Not only are there a huge group of folk here in UK, but all over the world. China, for instance, is mainly pagan as it doesn’t financially support faith groups. Disabled people do not want to be disabled. Also, not all of us have always been disabled. I have every right to claim benefits and feel the judgements of disgust should be stopped.

Money has been spent on making us feel disgusted with all sorts of things, disgusted with benefit claimers and homeless people, disgusted by drug use, disgust at young girls that have been groomed from such an early age they don’t know the father’s names to their children, disgusted at people who hurt animals, disgust at how others live, disgust at adults in nappies, disgusted by witchcraft – which is just mirrors and spells.

Pagans are classed as devils by faith groups – they are hunted and killed. Blasted in the media as baby killers and bad people. Jesus had a saying apparently, I suspect it may have been an old pagan saying from the times, he tried to stop a woman from being stoned to death, he said, “He without sin should cast the first stone.”

Now we are classed as aryan, people will think we deserve it when we get stabbed…is that why a boy can be hammered to death after being chased by groups of men, hunted across Watford until he and his friends are finally trapped in by the gangs in a subway. The police only managing to arrest one and not gathering information or evidence correctly, the one they jailed getting just four years, out in two. The local newspaper naming the informant but not the men arrested?

Aryan. The term disgusts us. It’s hard to believe but it’s actually true. They thought we would be out of Europe by now and wouldn’t need to clean up but their arrogance has shown through their mistakes. I think their biggest mistake was thinking people don’t care. Not even bothering to check for spellings on their dummy websites or checking with a lawyer before writing letters claiming legal knowledge.

Some of these faith group fund guzzlers have resigned over the last few months. In Hertfordshire and across England they can be seen running, some back to the states. They realised it all might come out, they realised we may stay in Europe because people are beginning to see all the cheating things done to swing the vote. They realised that someone had been reading their reports.

Forms are just great, things like ‘Head of the Household’ is a telling term. It means housing associations can put the one person down as the main tenant – even if a couple joined the housing list together. If then that person finds themselves out on the street it is their own fault for not staying with hand that feeds them.

These things are illegal but since the referendum these injustices have run rampant. No one is checking that policy is correctly implemented. No authority in the County cares when disability laws are broken. No one cares when an organisation breaks from the equality policy – because they think it won’t matter.

No one checking policy is because they are busy. Busy checking their image in the mirror. I know of working families waiting for housing for years. None are offered new housing to buy although they meet the criteria. They were placed into social rental units instead. This takes up the social housing for those waiting and then councils move who they want to into the built to buy flats.

It seems faith plays a part in whom can be offered help to buy these lovely new homes which our swallowing up the little green spaces, the few we have left on council estates.

The word pagan has been associated with disgusting things of late. If I were to say the same of another religion, I should be prosecuted for breaking equality laws. However I must stress this – I don’t feel like saying nasty things to other people. Other people do not disgust me. We are all different. I just wish I didn’t disgust them so much.

Groups of people hating on each other isn’t nice. I look in the mirror. I look at my soul. I know the bad things within me. I do not judge the things in you. I just ask that you do not call me an aryan and ask that you revert Hertfordshire County Council back to how it was. We are still in Europe you are breaking the law of equality which the UK signed up to. Why would you do that to me?

Samantha Harris.

Oh, I Could Strangle a Dolphin!

They scan sea-life that has been caught in plastic to check for the tumours plastic causes. They remove the plastic which has become entangled around the desperate creature’s bodies.

Scientists carefully remove the tumours before releasing them back into the water to enjoy the world. Thankfully the same marine biologists then monitor the health of the animal to ensure it recovers from the horror and attempt to do it all gently to avoid more trauma.

It is all heart-breaking. The amount of plastic in our environment which has not been disposed of properly. It has found it’s way into our oceans and is harming Earth’s wildlife and our environment.

The oil industry, which plastic is a by product of, move someway in some areas to help with the clean up with donations to ocean preservation charities and such like.

If I were to share a picture of a dolphin with plastic wrapped around it all my friends would share it in a moment because the Brits love animals. The BBC employ a huge posh orchestra to play alongside the programs we are screened for animals.

So why do they leave humans with the plastic inside them? – I am told to stop being dramatic and the medical profession are insisting that any tumours are coincidental. So, yeah, I’d like to strangle a dolphin.

Would that get me some of that media attention? Some attention from my friends and perhaps the doctors? Nope, it would just get me very wet and bloody – and they would probably arrest me for cruelty to animals.

I’d still be left with the plastic in me…and all the things I am not getting used to living with. The no sex for instance… bizarre that the only position we can achieve is the missionary.

The worse one for me is the pads. It’s embarrassing wetting and pooing yourself when you have only just turned 50 years old. Also they are so expensive. My GP could prescribe them but says he can’t. I use the big thick pads and they get used up quickly.

I can see you thinking about the fluffing kittens and gorgeous dolphins already. But this shit is important – pardon the pun. There are men younger than me stuck in the same position because of mesh used for their hernia’s.

Obviously, there is the pain relief. The judgement from everyone. The wheelchair etc. That’s not the half of it though. I’m denied basic rights and services too. Rights which I am entitled to under UN convention and these are all being stomped over.

I am often unable to get my medication – because they don’t have it or it is too expensive. Like nutrition milkshakes because I find it very difficult to eat. Even though nutritionist said I was to have them. At the moment they are unable to get me my HRT and using Brexit as excuse…

I’m in so much pain. I have to beg for pain relief and often prescriptions will run out before you are allowed to get another. Especially with the controlled drugs…pain killers.

They will not prescribe them before you need them. Fair enough. I am on 72 hour patch. I order on Friday. I run out on Monday but the doctor has a three day turnaround on prescriptions so…I can pick up my new patches on the Weds, I could go on.

Often the green sheets say you have been given medication you have not. My scan results are hidden from me – the dolphins and sea-life get more consideration.

I have TVT (put in 2005 plastic) and more painfully, if that were possible, a Stapled Hemorrhroidopexy. I feel ill. It was not the surgery my Rheumatologist requested for me. I already had Ehlers Danlos a serious problem with my collagen.

I use a stick and wheelchair where I can. Media is lying about pay outs…no we are just all dying slowly and painfully. As far as I am aware, at this moment in time not one person in the UK has had any recompense. I’m unsure why they would lie.

Disability awards in the UK. I keep getting temporary awards. Then the government decided to reduced payments. I was able to take my ID from my purse unassisted.

Gratefully I was assigned a support worker for a while to help me through the appeal. The governement then accepted the appeal, just before the appeal court date. They decided to award it but for just 18 months.

As it is tied in with your universal credit and rent payments this is a real tiresome chore.

They now say I have had the support worker for too long. It’s been over a year. I still have not had a referral for the removal of the plastic. I have not had any medical help other than trying really rubbish drugs and some physio therapy which caused the plastic tension vaginal tape to snap within me.

In my borough they have implemented a system called the Single Fraud Prevention Intervention and it only runs on housing benefit claimants. So we have to be proactive to gain our benefits. So for instance, if we don’t turn up for an appointment our benefits are stopped etc. Disabled people are included this program.

The benefit agency does not have disabled parking. I threw up in their staff toilets as their toilets were upstairs and there was no lift for the wheelchair. It was terrible. The staff have agreed that I do not need to attend to the office again.

I have tried to find out how to get an indefinite award but told I’m unlikely to qualify as I don’t have one of the qualifying illnesses but can’t find out what the qualifying illnesses are. Online Government pages says HIV and other serious illnesses like Diabetes are on the list.

I was asked to do a statement regarding my mesh – the plastic inside me. This was it. No dolphins were harmed during the writing of this blog piece.

Disabled Living in Beautiful Hertfordshire – Ring of Finite Burden

Grab yourself a cuppa for this one and settle down for an informative read. I’ll try not to be too boring. I warn you that I will go on about my medical issues for a while but then it becomes more relevant to any disabled persons in general as I will discuss the housing allocation service and benefits. Thank you for reading.

One of the main points of this statement is to say we do not have a housing shortage. We have corruption within our councils regarding allocation of housing. This is on a huge scale and the councils are aware of the problem and are hiding the fact they are incapable of monitoring the housing associations and different groups given access to our social housing stock.

Admitting I claim full housing benefit and Universal Credit in Hertfordshire is a risk. There is a real disgust of disabled people and anyone claiming benefit. Every eighteen months or so I fight to keep my Personal Independence Payment although I do qualify for it on many different grounds.

I’ve not always been this disabled. I used to run a modelling agency in Watford. Appearing on TV with famous people like Jodie Kidd. Strutting my stuff and showing teenagers how to do the walk. I got huge debts, mental health issues and had some medical physical problems. Eating disorders were becoming fashionable and I fell out of love with the industry, it had to close.

I didn’t stop working though. I retrained at West Herts College. Becoming a qualified electrician, I now hold City & Guilds certificates in electrical installation and engineering. I have toiled alongside men from all around the world whilst on construction sites. I helped install electrics on projects such as the Samuel Lithgow Youth Centre in central London.

I’m now going to be big-headed and also claim that I can read music and play the guitar. Having mainly taught myself I’m not great but I have performed in Charter Place and Watford Pump House singing. A woman of many talents and master of none.

I can no longer do any of those things. Medical devices put in me to save time in theatre at Watford General Hospital and through St Albans City Hospital have caused an autoimmune response. It affects my eyes, ears and maybe the reason I can’t even shift simple fungal infections. Dr Hextal, I’ve spoken with other patients of yours…it’s not just me and they too have the strange fungus.

The devices are causing a great deal of pain. They are around my bladder and rectum. I’ve been complaining about them since they were put in, in 2002. I wasn’t informed at all about the Stapled Hemorrhroidopexy and have never really recovered. It’s been a slow decline. The last few years involving giving up work altogether, now sat on full benefits because the NHS refuses to do anything other than get paid for not treating me.

I wasn’t really suitable for the devices. I was born with lung disease and a very small defect in my heart. I have an underlying condition called Ehlers Danlos and had extensive endometriosis before the hysterectomy. There were no follow ups for either devices fitted, no follow ups.

The NHS trusts just moved me from one hospital to another. Thankfully I found a TVT bladder sling support group on Facebook and became a little more informed. Now I am angry. Doctors never swab me. However, they have been eager to examine the area physically regardless of my pain level. Now that I refuse examination this is noted on paperwork clearly and is always mentioned in letters.

My nhs medical files are huge and I look incredibly ill on paper, but if you saw me on a good day, unless I was in my wheelchair and/or using my stick you wouldn’t know. I present well. I put my best face on however, I rarely leave the house.

I haven’t had a good day this year yet. It’s March. It seems silly but I cannot stand any pressure on my body – shoes, tight clothes etc So I prefer to sit in very loose clothes at home near a loo. If I go out I wear a large pad. The NHS will not help with the cost of these so they are used sparingly.

I’m heavily medicated with Fentanyl and OxyNorm but try not to take too much as my mind is the only thing which works – well, as long as I have HRT it does work. I was told this week, by my chemist, that because of Brexit the NHS has run out of my HRT so I’m in a rush to write this lol.

I have to argue for most of my medication and have given up asking for certain prescriptions. I suffer from POTS when I’m not well. Any sort of physical effort can cause faints. So even pushing out wind can make me pass out, so I must keep my pain medication as low as possible for my own safety.

I moved recently to a lovely new home. I wasn’t able to climb the stairs in my old house. The situation had become quite sad. My wonderful daughter helped me move my bed downstairs. I could then get myself something to eat, answer the door and look out on the garden.

There was a toilet downstairs with a tiny hand basin. As I had a downstairs toilet it was considered to be ‘level access living’. As both my children had left home, I requested that I be downsized to a smaller property as I was falling foul of the bedroom tax.

I wasn’t using upstairs; three bedrooms were lying empty. Occupational Therapists, Care Workers and my doctor wrote reports supporting the move. I was put on the bidding system. As I was under fifty, I wasn’t eligible for a bungalow.

The bidding system was strange. It was only accessible online. You could only bid via a computer not a phone. I could bid on what they put up for me to bid on. I put a bid in for a one bed flat opposite my GP. I waited eagerly to hear if I would be moving to something smaller and more manageable. I got turned down because I owed £73 rent.

I phoned Three Rivers District Council to complain about housing allocation, I was told they didn’t have a line for that. I asked if I could complain over the phone about how I was being treated. I was told they don’t have a complaints department. They have 160 staff. By law they should have taken the complaint down on the phone. However, I did follow their rules and after much effort produced a fair and reasonable complaint.

Three Rivers District Council made me email the complaint to their enquiries line.  The council upheld the position that I didn’t need housing… I got to complaints stage two before giving up. Health and housing situation just took their toll on me. It was also very embarrassing. I felt that the office staff would read about my complaint. I was just trying to move into a home more suitable for me and challenge a housing benefit decision.

I was using the Homeswapper page, for social housing tenants and was on the council bidding system. Eventually I did find an exchange, outside of their systems, on Facebook and moved home.

Giving my three-bed house to a very lovely family who had been stuck in a two bedroomed flat was a good feeling. They were overjoyed. Some families had offered me money to exchange with them, the situation desperate – but I felt if you are able to offer me thousands of pounds why do you need the property? I’m judgemental like that 

In total it had taken me two and a half years to move home. I was pleased to be away from Three Rivers District Council but I didn’t want to leave South Oxhey. My daughter is there. As soon as I moved into my new home they put an eviction notice on me because of rent arrears. I tried to point out I’d just moved in.

Universal Credit payment didn’t come straight in for my rent. It had been misallocated to another rent account before getting into mine to pay the rent. WCHT knew the reason for the late payment but still attempted to evict me. I think this action was appalling. I am thankful to still have a roof over my head.

Thankfully a charity called HertsMindLink helped me. I ended up paying an extra weeks rent but at least I’ve still got my home. Although they are refusing to remove the order which doesn’t feel very secure, I’ve called discrimination against disabled people. They didn’t accept that. 

I worry if I were to go back into hospital. I must stay well so I can fill out the forms, so I dont’ lose my home. If you don’t phone in for your benefits they will get stopped. You have to be ‘proactive’ for the current benefit system under Single Fraud Investigation Service.

But disabled people are supposed to be Protected Under UN Convention under Anti-Discrimination and Equality Laws. These laws state that any organisation over fifteen people must provide access to facilities and services for certain protected groups.

Disabled people are one of these groups. As such they are to be given assistance in achieving equality. Funding ought to be allocated accordingly by Governments and Local Authorities. The UK ratified this treaty before EU law and as such sits within The Equality Act 2010 in UK law.

For instance, ‘Age’ is a protective group, as is ‘Disabled’ and ‘Race’ – so it is appropriate for our local council to send out extra literature to ensure that no one is being discriminated against when they go for housing, education, healthcare or any other service with the borough.

Extra literature may be printed in different languages or leaflets sent around old folk’s homes to ensure they have access to a complaints line, healthcare services and leisure activities within the borough. This ensures their quality of life mentally, socially and physically.

Article 6 specifically deals with women with disabilities. It says clearly, they should be given specific consideration.  Disabled women fall under ‘Disabled’ and ‘Sex’ brackets of protection under the same laws as a non-English speaking, disabled person who would come under the protected status of ‘Disabled’ and ‘Race’. Some disabled women fall under three or four categories as they may be old and English not their first language.

Generally the laws are used to stop discrimination and ensure equality for everyone living in the borough (and those ‘visiting’) with services and facilities.

Watford Borough Council tend avoid the term ‘Sex’ and use the word ‘Gender’. I will continue to use the term ‘Sex’.  Gender in itself is protected under the laws for those whom have undergone sex transformation.

Councils do have to prove that they are monitoring the services they provide. This ensures that equality laws are being adhered to. So when I look through the councils reports and see that they are not making any allowances for disabled people to assess housing, I feel concerned.

The main areas of consideration for extra funding has gone towards ‘Age’ and ‘Race’. This isn’t me being paranoid, you can see them yourself as they are still up on their council pages. I’ve done the research.

In June or July 2014 TRDC implemented a plan to catch fraudulent claimants of housing benefit. It was called SFIS or Single Fraud Investigation Service. The scope of the experiment was to catch people claiming housing benefit illegally. It was put over all HB claimants, disabled people were not excluded.

It was just after the implementation of the bedroom tax in 2012 who to any single mum with children coming and going was a nightmare. They put the rents up the area. The job centre sent my son for work at UPS they gave him a contract for full time work for 15 hours. UPS and government think that 15 hours is a full time job – that is why employment figures are down.

My son had trouble giving me anything for keep as his journey from South Oxhey to Watford took up most of his pay. I had to prove all this. I was continually under investigation. Being asked over and over again for the same information.

I wasn’t well but I was running a little market, one day a week. Also I tried to bring in some money by selling things on ebay but it wasn’t enough to cover rent and live. The council would not make up the shortfall, but according to their rules they should.

Then the council told me they had overpaid me but I knew that I had told them every coming and going. I knew I had not claimed anything fraudulently but they are making me pay it back. It has bugged me that this amount, in total £3500 has gone down as me claiming illegally.

Since they implemented the SFPI the council have found a few fraudsters. There were higher value frauds discovered before the implementation though. Now the council are doing single fathers and mothers for hundred pounds of fraud. Before they were catching whole families and council workers who were creaming off thousands. Last year they clawed back just £400,000.

However, one benefit assessor in London was able to get away from over £1million. So why are TRDC concentrating just on housing benefit claimants? Newham council are investigating a £9million housing allocation fraud instigated by some of the council workers themselves.

My benefit assessor was Jan Dobrowolski. Who is Jan Dobrowolski? The only person around here with that name seems to have died in 1975. His grave is in Welwyn Garden City. Perhaps the police could look into that?

It all makes, what is left, of my sphincter grate.

The only Jan Dobrowolski I can find online who could have a link with the council works in mathematical modelling at Leeds University. He has heavy links with Ireland and Pakistan. Could it be the same person? The one thing this ‘scientist’ is working on is the ‘ring of finite burden’. Coincidence? It would make a good spy thriller!

There is something smelly in Three Rivers District Council and it is no longer me as I now have access to a bath. There is something smelly in Herts County Council and Watford Borough council where the housing and facilities are concerned.

But right now we need to make sure that equality rights for disabled people and women are upheld. By doing so we are really protecting the most vulnerable amongst us.

 

 

 

Upton Road Mental Health Services

Upton Road, My Mental Health Consultation


According to both the docs I saw at Upton Road yesterday, I’m not mentally ill. I’m just dealing with a lot of difficult things and I am disassociating and seeing things because I’m so anxious, stressed and angry at the world.

I’m aware it is happening. Although I can understand what is happening, I am struggling to deal with the day to day manifestations. During my first consultation NHS mental health services they’ve told me they won’t be able to help me because I’m aware of my issues.

My angry is not the ‘right type’ of anger to be helped. After over two years waiting, two assessments and yesterday’s ‘consultation’ I was told unless I can find some funds to help with the costs, there wasn’t any help available. It seems being aware of one’s problems means you’re okay. I’m chronically ill. This complicates things because of medication intolerances, I can only take certain medications and usually only via liquid or skin patch.

I generally cope but the last few years it’s been getting harder. Admitting to stock piling drugs, plotting revenge attacks and wanting to slice my throat open with a glass smashed on the floor in frustration, is difficult, especially when you’ve just met. As was the case with this consultation. Feeling so close to really losing it will make you seem desperate, because you are exactly that. No one would share this stuff with people unless they had to.

So, I was reaching out for help. Shoot me. Surely, anyone would be ‘aware’ to do that? In fact in order to get seen by NHS mental health services you have to go and see your GP first, then attend an assessment and then wait for a consultation or treatment. Picking up a phone, or searching online, show a sense of awareness of a problem from the patient seeking help.

Let’s just say that the docs I saw yesterday were really correct and true with what they said. Why are the NHS mental health services treating alcoholism, eating disorders, transgenders, drug users and paedophiles? They are usually aware of their problems. I’m pretty sure they have to admit to their problems in order to get help. I’m sure some are forced into help but I think my point is made.

Previously I’ve been diagnosed with depressive disorder, ptsd, personality disorder and now I’ve been re-diagnosed with ‘unstable emotional disorder’ without any real time spent actually talking with me. I feel utterly deflated. Even something simple like writing to the correct GP seems beyond this clinic.

I would like to start going out again, become part of society in real terms. Not just online. My problems are so bad I cannot abide music or crowds, I cannot sleep well and have problems with eating as my throat is closed – apparently though anxiousness. I have impulsive thoughts constantly to do dangerous things. I want to lash out. It’s exhausting not reacting to the impulses.

I feel that writing this was more therapeutic than the time spent with the patronizing doctors who believed that I don’t deserve any help because I managed to drag myself into the bath, brush my hair and made eye contact.

Being able to see your life and sanity slipping away doesn’t mean it’s okay, it’s not okay. I’m not okay. Not being able to stand people close to you, even when you love them, is not okay.

Perhaps it really is that I am classed as mentally fit. If that is so then why would both these doctors say money would help me get the correct treatment? They agreed a psychologist could help but stated clearly that wasn’t available, in my case, apparently not provided on the NHS, but isn’t a psychologist mental health doctor? Who are other patients seeing?

I know I need help. It’s hard not to be paranoid that they are trying to make you worse. Perhaps they are trying to push you over the edge in order to earn more money when you become an inpatient? I joke but not really. These are my real feelings and emotions, constantly kept in check.

Last time I felt like this I ended up trying to commit suicide several times and ended up as an inpatient for three weeks. I really am desperately trying to avoid this course of action as I have people who care about me.

Where do I go from here?? I write, thank fully I can still do that. Maybe I’ll get super successful and be able to pay the £380 an hour to see a doctor.