Today, and yesterday my thoughts have slipped
Suicide and thinking about it
Thoughts started sliding last week
The Oxford doctors called and told me I’m weak
Postponed my mesh removal surgery again
My lung disease has drawn a line
They’ll look at my case in four months time
Because of covid19 I must wait again
Regardless of my lack of life
Regardless of the pain
In four months time
I’ll still have lung disease
Corona virus will still be around
It will be the winter months
And again, I’ll be bound.
So yes, ‘Hooray’, the report came out
‘At last!’ Us victims do shout…
Matt Hancock apparently apologised
For all the doctors and healthcare’s lies
‘Sorry,’ they say, for not listening to me
The NHS is ‘sorry’ for my sixteen years of misery
Nothing changes though
I’m still Johnson & Johnson’s
Cash cow for eternity.
How clever of a nasty cosmetic firm
To make my bladder burn
To be able to sell me a pad?
Just switch on the TV to see the ads
Telling me incontinence
Can be ‘pretty’…
Who are they trying to kid?
They should be made to sort it.
I shouldn’t be in terrible pain
I shouldn’t be thinking, ‘how do I get through the day?’
I should be able to have a sexual thought
I should be able to walk
Embarrassed to let everybody know
When outside, I’m distraught
My mind is capable of one thought
Where is the nearest place I can go?
So yes, I’m ashamed to say
Been thinking about ending it
Today
Pain and disappointment
Stretch out long, before me
I search for someone to support me
Toss and turn all night
Vomit all day
This is not life’s way
I will NOT give in to it
I just needed to communicate
To stop me walking
Towards the gate.
Thankfully I have poetry, but is it going to be enough?
The end.
Sorry, this is very depressing but I had to do something to relieve what I am feeling.
By Samantha “unextraordinarybint” Harris
TVT mesh victim.
unextraordinarybint Samantha Harris in London, England. 
7 responses to “Ashamed of Myself”
You sound very fed up but you need to hang on in there and get this out when it is safe to do so. I suspect this will be next spring/summer so you have a long winter ahead. Get out as much as you can meantime.
Thank you. I was exceptionally fed up and do get prone to very low points quite suddenly but I’m okay now. You are right though, I needed to get out and some decent nutrition!
so sorry, Samantha — glad you’re doing your best to find an outlet to your pain & frustration — sending you all my very best ❤
Thank you. Your kind words were much appreciated x
Thank you so much for your kind words and for stopping by.
Never let that thought creep back in! Sometimes life seems overwhelming, but it’s also true that tomorrow always holds new dreams.
You are right, of course, tomorrow is another day. I’ve decided to break lockdown tomorrow and leave the house. Going meet up with family and smell some outside. I’ll just put up with the stares over my coughing lol. I think it may take me some time to adjust to how much longer sorting the mesh mess out is all going to take etc now that so many other women have come forward but that is life, continually adjusting. I do feel more positive already. Thanks hun.